Streamers · Tarot Readings

Tired-de-loop

I have been kinda tired.

Oh no I just realized I hadn’t grabbed a beer for today. Ahhh….what do I do, do I really want beer?? Hmm.

Anyway.

exhaustedslump

Yeah, I’ve been skirting the melancholic line, dipping in a little, dipping out. Tryna figure out what I’m about. Gotta organize and clean my room but I’ve a list made and stuff.

So I’m feeling optimistic, but then I’m super tired. And sometimes I’ll get sad and wonder what the point is. But now that I can recognize it as an emotion, I don’t take it as personally and think things really are wrong or bad or messed up or inherently empty. I know it’s this just the feeling that’s making me feel that way. But sometimes I start falling for it. I wonder if I’ve gotten better at doing that with the hypomania too though. Next time I’ll try to separate myself from the invisible feeling of urgency.

 

chariot
The Chariot from Stephanie Pui-Mun Law’s Shadowscapes Tarot. Link goes to the story for this card.

But now I want to be more urgent, I guess. I keep pulling the Chariot in my Shadowscapes tarot deck. Maybe I should try the Sun and Moon deck too though, since it’s kinda relevant. I mean, I bought it before I knew I was bipolar, but by then was aware of the patterns.

 

I have trouble understanding the concept of control, exercising or externalizing your will power, “hard control,” exercising force. I feel like I’m so passive and am afraid of causing harm. But then there’s this other idea of me that doesn’t care and is a fiery torando or single-minded cannon.

I feel like the image of the chariot is particularly relevant for my bipolar disorder, but I don’t get how that person is doing it. Wait, I wasn’t talking about my bipolar disorder. Ahgg, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly where my personality and where this …thing, sort of intersect. Are those two sides of me just my understanding of my personality, influenced by bipolar disorder? Seeing the two different modes I can live my life within? Maybe three now, if we’re considering how anxiety has entered the picture. Or how I’ve just noticed it. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s how bipolar disorder is more external, like I’m me regardless but it’s the horse. So me, regardless of bipolar disorder, I tend to oscillate between two different kind of active/inactive modes, specific to a situation. Ehh….or is it both, where it’s influences me, and I influence it or it’s expression. Saying it’s both sometimes feel like the easy answer.

 

chariot2
from Vanessa Decort’s Sun and Moon Tarot. Links to artist’s website.

On top of that, I’m a cancer by sun sign, so this card kinda ties three things together. My wishy-washy sort of inconsistent mode of being, my sun sign and it’s famous moodiness and sensitivity, and my bipolar disorder and how it jerks me around. Cancers have to learn how to control and manage their emotions and take care of theirselves, and folks with bipolar people do as well with the help of medication, sleep, limiting or removing drugs/alcohol/caffeine/etc, and possible dietary changes. I feel like I need to do generally get my shit together.

I can see Strength as being soft control, and Chariot as being hard control. If I take myself out of the fool’s journey and let go of the idea of progression in self-mastery, then these are simply two different methods to get the job done.

I guess I’m confused because I thought I was learning soft control, or supposed to be. I think I’ve learned how to be more patient with myself and take it step by step. Or maybe I have learned it, and now I can give a hand at hard control and force again. Since before I might’ve been harsher on myself, and domineering, unforgiving, without yielding results. I’ve been better able to recognize those voices in my head too, though I don’t always know how to deal with them other than just distracting myself or sort of leaving it or not engaging. I guess kind of like in real life.

Maybe I’m confusing the Chariot’s energy with the Emperor’s? I think I have a problem emperorwith the Emperor, like I’m sure a few of us do. Maybe I can’t conceive of the Chariot’s energy and ideas of force and willpower and hard control to get a job done without also associating it with anger, discipline, aggressiveness, by-any-means-necessary mentality, harsh words, an edge of cruelty. This isn’t necessarily the Emperor, but it’s some of the beef I have with the card, and some of the Kings as well, sometimes.

I guess I might find out by practicing. I don’t have to be a powerhouse or power-plow or be a laser cannon of intense infrared focus or however, but I do need to harness my energies and make them work together.

You’d think after my temperance year I’d have a better intuition or idea of how that looks, but maybe that’s why Crowley calls it Art. You probably won’t till it’s done.

That tripped me up all of that year. I still get tripped up by the concept. I can….merge….these energies? No, that’s temperance. I can…harness……up and down. I can harness….superspeed and superexhaustion. I can harness….my hypomania and depression….. I can harness ….. to think, I had trouble understanding duality before, seeing everything as one whole thing ultimately, and now I can’t get past it. How the hell do you harness …?? What is being harnessed?? What the hell!

Maybe I should try a Chariot spread. What two energies, for what end. Yeah. Let’s try it. I’ll add in a screenshot since I’m using the Shadowscapes deck on my phone.

….

 

Capture+_2017-04-07-16-37-41Negative/Black Sphinx: 7 of Pentacles

Positive/White Sphinx: 7 Of Wands

For What End/Charioteer: Temperance

MAN, I didn’t need another duality card!!! Alright so the Charioteer’s end goal is temperance and the harnessing of both of these energies to achieve a more unified whole or balance. Alright, thank you. He harnesses the fierceness of protecting and going after what’s yours with the cool methodical contemplation of a gardener waiting for the right moment to strike or to harvest the fruits of his labours. This is LITERALLY defining the chariot card. I meant for me! Did I not make that clear?! There are even two 7 cards that correspond with the Chariots VII!!!! Temperance is 14 too, mrrr.

………..alright so is my depression like waiting and seeing and my hypomania like fighting and competing? That sounds like evolutionary psychology. Also I just remembered my Chariot year is coming up July. I’m pretty sure I start getting the next year’s growth cards once my birthday nears.

So, I need to strike……..when the iron is hot…..after I’ve carefully heated up the iron.

Wait no, I need to balance that attack/defend, or setting a goal and fiercely sticking with it and fighting for it, with taking time to reflect and evaluating my progress and if I’m on course.

 

….I might add more to this, but for now I’ve gotta go!

Streamers

Confused states

I’ve been feeling a little off the last few days.

Good news is I finally was able to see a therapist again. Met her on tuesday. We were pressed for time so it was a short introduction sort of thing. I was stressed at all day because nobody there has anything but a voice mail apparently. Bad news I guess is that opening up about some things has got meĀ thinking about it a little again and it’s been making me feel weird, scared. I don’t want these things to happen again. Good news is that she seems to think those are workable things. Instead of being vaguely confused and kind of “?…we will see friendo, we will work on it together.”

I don’t know if this is good or bad news but I found out bipolar disorder can cause sleep paralysis.Or is linked. IS BULLSHIT. What am I supposed to do about this? And why is everything linked to this crap?! Also why do I know more about this crap than my therapists?? This really makes the whole ‘don’t self-diagnose’ thing seem like a load of crap. GEEZ.

So yeah I had a couple sleep paralysis and disturbed sleep generally last night, waking up, going back to sleep, sleep paralysis, trying to not go back to sleep, going back to sleep, 10 minutes later wake up with sleep paralysis, etc repeat. I do not know how long I slept. I don’t feel tired. But that’s not good either because I also haven’t had an appetite lately. I have been making myself eat I think. So hopefully I am full. Unfortunately, the bathroom scale is gone so I don’t know if I’ve been losing weight. I hope not. I’ve had a cough too. I think I might have been overheating and dehydrated, but I kept drinking water in between those periods and was mostly naked under the covers. The other thing is that there are three holes in the ceiling because of some electrical work that had to be done, and my landlord still hasn’t gotten it fixed. I think it’s been twice I told him, though I told him no rush. But it’s been a few months and there is a mouse living in my walls and making NOISE. Especially LAST NIGHT. Like running up the inside of the wall and such. I haven’t seen it but it’s clearly a mouse or a ghost mouse. No it’s a mouse, we had mice and got rid of them. But my landlord is also a temperamental angry dude who is all sensitive and will get racist at the drop of a hat apparently. So I generally try to avoid him. He’s been on a rampage destroying people’s gardens because he thinks everything that isn’t a pile of mulch is weeds.

Annoying. I might try to bring it up soon, but he’ll probably be stupid and stall and then it’ll be winter and all the barely effective heaters we finally got installed after years of living through cold ass winters, sometimes with a baby living there, will be completely useless because the hot air will rise to the roof. And more mice will move in. And they will be more comfortable than me.

I know this cat who is subletting won’t be able to get it, since it’s out of reach. I wish. PLEASE CAT SUMMON IT. DESTROY IT. šŸ˜„

 

Anyway I’ve been generally foggy headed. After the hormonal birth control and my prior stint with weed (found out I can’t do weed. which is a shame because period cramps are a motherfucker), and in combination with the former a series of coinciding events (temporarily quit smoking because of birth control anxiety symptoms, sister had some scary things happen to her that worried me sick, quitting smoking gave me intense depression, lucid dream adventures after trying to solve my sleep paralysis problemsĀ did not mix well with many of these anxiety triggers/symptoms) I’ve become on some level traumatized by what I assume were exasperated and exaggerated bipolar symptoms. I’ve developed a fear of the unknown, the unreal, and what I worry are psychotic symptoms. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually experienced psychosis, or they were panic attacks, or about-to-be-panic-attacks, or intense anxiety caused by birth control has just left it’s scars and wounds, or maybe I’m schizoaffective now, or what. But I dance around it a lot and I think if I’m left alone too long or left alone with it I become afraid of my mind turning on itself.

Maybe I just need new experiences and to not think about it. I don’t know.

I can’t do anything about it now, as far as I know. I want to read more about the sleep paralysis and bipolar link, because I hadn’t known of it before. But I also wonder whether I should just leave it alone.

I hate feeling so limited too. I thought about maybe trying out medication. After the initial misdiagnoses I didn’t want to put myself in such a dangerous state again. But I guess I thought, well, this diagnosis seems right. And maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.

But then there’s lithium, where if you miss or stop taking it can make you have psychotic symptoms or experience psychosis worse than when you had before you started taking it. And then there’s insurance. The most stable things in my life areĀ my library card and the bus not being consistently on time, and maybe my job. I can easily see a situation, and it seems to be pretty damn common, for your insurance to flake out and fuck you over with your medication. I DO NOT want to commit to a medication, or medications, and then have to deal with some bullshit where I’m without. I am the only person taking care of myself here, and even if I moved in with my family, they wouldn’t always be home to watch me. And if sliding scale somehow covers it, and my budget is always enough, what happens if I move? If the landlord decides to hell with all of us, or in two years or whenever the lease is up, moving to another state is financially more feasible (it very well might be). If I had a basic living wage or if insurance in this country made sense, then I wouldn’t need to worry as much. If I knew I wouldn’t be without access to the medication I need, then I wouldn’t have to worry about life distruptions or insurance or weird government or state laws or whatever. And it took me 4 months of phone tag and being redirected to voice mails to even get this damn COUNSELING appointment at the place I go to. I don’t want to have to deal with that for something like psychiatrics. Heck you can only see the actual psychiatrist every 4 months since he’s so damn swamped. They have to outsource a lot of them to video chat people.

I don’t know, the misdiagnosis and being given first ritatlin, then prozac, (both very bad for my diagnosis, though they did lead to my correct diagnosis, the mania it triggered ruined my credit in two weeks ($2000 – collections is still after me), and among other things actually made me move across the country – and this was while I was living with my family) and trying to get appointments in general, just gave me an insight on how destructive and unreliable the whole process could be. It could be great too, sure. But it’s such a huge gamble. And the choices I make now are pretty dumb sometimes, but I can manage those a lot better than all that ^

I can see that with my current means I might end up living a very limited life, and maybe a really stressful one too though. So I guess I wonder if it could be easier sometimes. But the first time I wondered that I had this weird feeling like there would be a catch and it wouldn’t be as simple as those commercials and even my psychiatrist was making it out to be. Western medicine sees a lot of what I described as things that can’t be prevented, or sort of casualties of war or the medical process, negligible risks, or if it gets worse, …worse. Something of fault within my brain rather than of fault of the medical practices. I’ve found government workers are sometimes more real with you about things, so I’m grateful I’m going somewhere like that. It’s not for profit I think, or at least people probably don’t make much there.

Sometimes I think spiritual practices, mindfulness practices, journaling, art, TRYING TO SLEEP FOR DOG’S SAKE, maybe even magick or tarot, or self-care practices, positive affirmations, surrounding myself with beauty, helping others, being cleanly and organized, or all of it could be enough, or I think rather than think this, I believe it, and I believe I won’t know the extent of my illness until I try and implement it. Rather than (or in addition to) a therapist perhaps I need a life coach, but a therapist is what I have right now. And not even reliably, I think. She’s cool, it’s not her, it’s the ‘system.’ Like “do we have the right phone number” “I’ve gotten thatĀ here at least three times did it not stick when we changed it…” “hmm lets see…well it looks like we do, hmm.” Do they have two phone catalogs or something…?? Update them both! In all three of your weird buildings!

Ok rant over I think. I’m scared of my brain and it makes me nauseous sometimes, and it makes me experience weird things and I want to get past it so I can live without having to think about that. At least if I can be in better control of them and change it to be a beautiful sensation, I’ll be ok.

 

 

 

 

 

Streamers

AYYOMA

Hello blog

I’ve just started you. I feel self-conscious because I’m at a library and there are screaming kids. Nothing against screaming kids but I have some level of social anxiety, so I’m worried that the parents think I’m angry at their screaming kids, and low-key I am kind of frustrated, but more with myself and my life choices and my broke-ass not being able to afford my own computer. At some point I was also worried that I wasn’tĀ being true to my easily overstimulated self so I stuck a long-nailed pointer finger into my left ear as an experiment and I ended up feeling rude, but honest.

I amhaveĀ bipolar, specifically bipolar disorder II, probably, and I’m a chronic oversharer. I also have some level of OCD, probably mild? Eh. I go to therapy when therapy has a timeslot available.

I live with a bunch of hippies who edge towardsĀ the cynical gardener occult side with various day jobs, and we live in constant flux. Thassal I’m gonna say about that.

I’m kind of paranoid of people getting into my business so I’ll try to do this in a balanced way. I tried a few blogs before being all super open in the fear that I was intensely emotionally repressed or something, but really I was just lonely and bored and depressed and secretiveĀ despite my efforts so 98% of the blog was angry made-up words in cryptic garbage duck poems.

You know when you’re at the library and it says 8 mins and 43 seconds are left but you can’t remember how many time extensions you’ve accepted?

I also dabble in the magick and occult. I’ve also done drugs before so I try to dabble with one finger in the water, the rest of my body flatĀ onĀ the dirt, my dipping armĀ hangingĀ on a log near the river bank that’s been flanked with large stones and isn’t going anywhere. I have started calling myself a witch though, just to see how I feel. Interested in pop culture magick, the astral, dreams, and also afraid of those last two partly as a result of my past dabbling.

My mom’s side of the family are all evangelical christians, now. Well, save three of us. We’re also from a more conservative culture. Here’s for breaking the mold, ah ha ha. Ha. My dad is a whole topic, obviously.

I’m queer???? I’m definitely something. Guesses: Bi, genderneutral, genderfluid, genderdudeish, demi, sexually frustrated, wait that’s not an orientation, –

I don’t read, or more accurately finish as many books as I used to, or write, so my writing has suffered. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever. Also making and deleting tumblrs, on and off, it’s rubbed off on me nonetheless.

I might talk tarot and astrology sometimes. I might talk family. I might whatever. Angst. I’m either on the down end or mixed bit of things at the moment.

Ooh 10 minutes. Yes please.