I’ve been feeling a little off the last few days.
Good news is I finally was able to see a therapist again. Met her on tuesday. We were pressed for time so it was a short introduction sort of thing. I was stressed at all day because nobody there has anything but a voice mail apparently. Bad news I guess is that opening up about some things has got me thinking about it a little again and it’s been making me feel weird, scared. I don’t want these things to happen again. Good news is that she seems to think those are workable things. Instead of being vaguely confused and kind of “?…we will see friendo, we will work on it together.”
I don’t know if this is good or bad news but I found out bipolar disorder can cause sleep paralysis.Or is linked. IS BULLSHIT. What am I supposed to do about this? And why is everything linked to this crap?! Also why do I know more about this crap than my therapists?? This really makes the whole ‘don’t self-diagnose’ thing seem like a load of crap. GEEZ.
So yeah I had a couple sleep paralysis and disturbed sleep generally last night, waking up, going back to sleep, sleep paralysis, trying to not go back to sleep, going back to sleep, 10 minutes later wake up with sleep paralysis, etc repeat. I do not know how long I slept. I don’t feel tired. But that’s not good either because I also haven’t had an appetite lately. I have been making myself eat I think. So hopefully I am full. Unfortunately, the bathroom scale is gone so I don’t know if I’ve been losing weight. I hope not. I’ve had a cough too. I think I might have been overheating and dehydrated, but I kept drinking water in between those periods and was mostly naked under the covers. The other thing is that there are three holes in the ceiling because of some electrical work that had to be done, and my landlord still hasn’t gotten it fixed. I think it’s been twice I told him, though I told him no rush. But it’s been a few months and there is a mouse living in my walls and making NOISE. Especially LAST NIGHT. Like running up the inside of the wall and such. I haven’t seen it but it’s clearly a mouse or a ghost mouse. No it’s a mouse, we had mice and got rid of them. But my landlord is also a temperamental angry dude who is all sensitive and will get racist at the drop of a hat apparently. So I generally try to avoid him. He’s been on a rampage destroying people’s gardens because he thinks everything that isn’t a pile of mulch is weeds.
Annoying. I might try to bring it up soon, but he’ll probably be stupid and stall and then it’ll be winter and all the barely effective heaters we finally got installed after years of living through cold ass winters, sometimes with a baby living there, will be completely useless because the hot air will rise to the roof. And more mice will move in. And they will be more comfortable than me.
I know this cat who is subletting won’t be able to get it, since it’s out of reach. I wish. PLEASE CAT SUMMON IT. DESTROY IT. 😥
Anyway I’ve been generally foggy headed. After the hormonal birth control and my prior stint with weed (found out I can’t do weed. which is a shame because period cramps are a motherfucker), and in combination with the former a series of coinciding events (temporarily quit smoking because of birth control anxiety symptoms, sister had some scary things happen to her that worried me sick, quitting smoking gave me intense depression, lucid dream adventures after trying to solve my sleep paralysis problems did not mix well with many of these anxiety triggers/symptoms) I’ve become on some level traumatized by what I assume were exasperated and exaggerated bipolar symptoms. I’ve developed a fear of the unknown, the unreal, and what I worry are psychotic symptoms. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually experienced psychosis, or they were panic attacks, or about-to-be-panic-attacks, or intense anxiety caused by birth control has just left it’s scars and wounds, or maybe I’m schizoaffective now, or what. But I dance around it a lot and I think if I’m left alone too long or left alone with it I become afraid of my mind turning on itself.
Maybe I just need new experiences and to not think about it. I don’t know.
I can’t do anything about it now, as far as I know. I want to read more about the sleep paralysis and bipolar link, because I hadn’t known of it before. But I also wonder whether I should just leave it alone.
I hate feeling so limited too. I thought about maybe trying out medication. After the initial misdiagnoses I didn’t want to put myself in such a dangerous state again. But I guess I thought, well, this diagnosis seems right. And maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.
But then there’s lithium, where if you miss or stop taking it can make you have psychotic symptoms or experience psychosis worse than when you had before you started taking it. And then there’s insurance. The most stable things in my life are my library card and the bus not being consistently on time, and maybe my job. I can easily see a situation, and it seems to be pretty damn common, for your insurance to flake out and fuck you over with your medication. I DO NOT want to commit to a medication, or medications, and then have to deal with some bullshit where I’m without. I am the only person taking care of myself here, and even if I moved in with my family, they wouldn’t always be home to watch me. And if sliding scale somehow covers it, and my budget is always enough, what happens if I move? If the landlord decides to hell with all of us, or in two years or whenever the lease is up, moving to another state is financially more feasible (it very well might be). If I had a basic living wage or if insurance in this country made sense, then I wouldn’t need to worry as much. If I knew I wouldn’t be without access to the medication I need, then I wouldn’t have to worry about life distruptions or insurance or weird government or state laws or whatever. And it took me 4 months of phone tag and being redirected to voice mails to even get this damn COUNSELING appointment at the place I go to. I don’t want to have to deal with that for something like psychiatrics. Heck you can only see the actual psychiatrist every 4 months since he’s so damn swamped. They have to outsource a lot of them to video chat people.
I don’t know, the misdiagnosis and being given first ritatlin, then prozac, (both very bad for my diagnosis, though they did lead to my correct diagnosis, the mania it triggered ruined my credit in two weeks ($2000 – collections is still after me), and among other things actually made me move across the country – and this was while I was living with my family) and trying to get appointments in general, just gave me an insight on how destructive and unreliable the whole process could be. It could be great too, sure. But it’s such a huge gamble. And the choices I make now are pretty dumb sometimes, but I can manage those a lot better than all that ^
I can see that with my current means I might end up living a very limited life, and maybe a really stressful one too though. So I guess I wonder if it could be easier sometimes. But the first time I wondered that I had this weird feeling like there would be a catch and it wouldn’t be as simple as those commercials and even my psychiatrist was making it out to be. Western medicine sees a lot of what I described as things that can’t be prevented, or sort of casualties of war or the medical process, negligible risks, or if it gets worse, …worse. Something of fault within my brain rather than of fault of the medical practices. I’ve found government workers are sometimes more real with you about things, so I’m grateful I’m going somewhere like that. It’s not for profit I think, or at least people probably don’t make much there.
Sometimes I think spiritual practices, mindfulness practices, journaling, art, TRYING TO SLEEP FOR DOG’S SAKE, maybe even magick or tarot, or self-care practices, positive affirmations, surrounding myself with beauty, helping others, being cleanly and organized, or all of it could be enough, or I think rather than think this, I believe it, and I believe I won’t know the extent of my illness until I try and implement it. Rather than (or in addition to) a therapist perhaps I need a life coach, but a therapist is what I have right now. And not even reliably, I think. She’s cool, it’s not her, it’s the ‘system.’ Like “do we have the right phone number” “I’ve gotten that here at least three times did it not stick when we changed it…” “hmm lets see…well it looks like we do, hmm.” Do they have two phone catalogs or something…?? Update them both! In all three of your weird buildings!
Ok rant over I think. I’m scared of my brain and it makes me nauseous sometimes, and it makes me experience weird things and I want to get past it so I can live without having to think about that. At least if I can be in better control of them and change it to be a beautiful sensation, I’ll be ok.