So , I don’t feel like I have anything in particular to report.
I just went to therapy. It was nice. Talked about dreams, sleep paralysis, quitting smoking, bears, animal guides/patronuses, etc. Turns out my therapist is a harry potter fan, and low-key probably uses tumblr, and got Black Bear as her patronus in the Pottermore quiz. Go Figure!
I feel self-conscious blogging at the library sometimes because people can see me. I am eating a green apple lolipop. I stole an extra 2 from the bank.
I’ve saved up money. This is the first time I’ve had two hundred dollars saved up, and from my first paycheck this month. Like without spending it. LET’S HOPE I DON’T SPEND IT. HA-HA.
Found out that cheap grocery store I always think is far away is next to my therapy place and the library. THIS WHOLE TIME. I could save money on groceries!
The online coven I’m in is still fun. I joined the voice chat for the first time and it was really cool and cute. I’ve also noticed that I need to work on my pronoun game. I think I might need to go through the introductions and write everyone’s down next to their username because most people are still usernames to me (and people change them sometimes). I’m kind of confused with my own pronouns sometimes. Everyone uses she in real life.
A librarian asked me if “these keys were mine” and I got de ja vu.
My room is a mess. I’m hanging out with my boyfriend tonight. I need to clean my room. Maybe I should’ve said no to hanging out tonight. I guess I can still change my mind. It’s been like this for a couple weeks I think. I should make tuesday chore and errand day.
Early this morning the cat, who is normally a fluffball of adorable nonconfrontation and who is currently subletting until his owner picks him up, was yelling and would not shut up. Ran to the door, ran to the window, hissed softly if you approached, was yelling and meowing the whole time. I wondered what the deal was because our other roommate is back and I know they don’t like cats (or at least has trouble living with them) and the cat has never done this before. It made me wonder if they hissed at each other or something. I also made the mistake of leaving my room open so they ran into my room and hopped at my window, which was open enough to hear birds chirping as the sun rose, a small cool refreshing breeze, and still the cat wouldn’t shut up for a while, and lal al lala it was a whole thing, and I gave up and eventually the cat was quiet and seemed content. I woke up 4 hours later and the cat was still there. I guess they just wanted some outdoors feeling or something.
Cat is still cute.
I’ve been remembering my dreams more and seeing how they all connect to my waking life and stuff. Also, my therapist had an idea. I have been wary of dream journaling because I don’t want to have a lucid dream. She said writing generally and not including details, or writing like what it means or meant to you could get around it, since I wouldn’t be including dream signs and stuff. That could help. And help me deal with my feelings and stuff.
The only thing is sometimes I feel like the gist is more important to remembering dreams, like the essence. But if I don’t write down the itty bitty overwhelming details, it might be enough. I have a dream journal good for that too, so that works out in terms of my past purchase, haha.
I really need to clean my room. And also call the landlord and get my ceiling fixed. My roommate is back so they could maybe do something, or someone else who lives here can figure it out, and get paid. It’s just annoying because winter is soon. My bed is also kind of uncomfortable.
I wish I had more to say. But I feel pretty good. Or neutral anyway. My therapist also asked if I journaled, and hey, luckily I started this month! 🙂 Ok really, how is journaling or jounralling or journaled not in the dictionary???
Good news is I finally was able to see a therapist again. Met her on tuesday. We were pressed for time so it was a short introduction sort of thing. I was stressed at all day because nobody there has anything but a voice mail apparently. Bad news I guess is that opening up about some things has got me thinking about it a little again and it’s been making me feel weird, scared. I don’t want these things to happen again. Good news is that she seems to think those are workable things. Instead of being vaguely confused and kind of “?…we will see friendo, we will work on it together.”
I don’t know if this is good or bad news but I found out bipolar disorder can cause sleep paralysis.Or is linked. IS BULLSHIT. What am I supposed to do about this? And why is everything linked to this crap?! Also why do I know more about this crap than my therapists?? This really makes the whole ‘don’t self-diagnose’ thing seem like a load of crap. GEEZ.
So yeah I had a couple sleep paralysis and disturbed sleep generally last night, waking up, going back to sleep, sleep paralysis, trying to not go back to sleep, going back to sleep, 10 minutes later wake up with sleep paralysis, etc repeat. I do not know how long I slept. I don’t feel tired. But that’s not good either because I also haven’t had an appetite lately. I have been making myself eat I think. So hopefully I am full. Unfortunately, the bathroom scale is gone so I don’t know if I’ve been losing weight. I hope not. I’ve had a cough too. I think I might have been overheating and dehydrated, but I kept drinking water in between those periods and was mostly naked under the covers. The other thing is that there are three holes in the ceiling because of some electrical work that had to be done, and my landlord still hasn’t gotten it fixed. I think it’s been twice I told him, though I told him no rush. But it’s been a few months and there is a mouse living in my walls and making NOISE. Especially LAST NIGHT. Like running up the inside of the wall and such. I haven’t seen it but it’s clearly a mouse or a ghost mouse. No it’s a mouse, we had mice and got rid of them. But my landlord is also a temperamental angry dude who is all sensitive and will get racist at the drop of a hat apparently. So I generally try to avoid him. He’s been on a rampage destroying people’s gardens because he thinks everything that isn’t a pile of mulch is weeds.
Annoying. I might try to bring it up soon, but he’ll probably be stupid and stall and then it’ll be winter and all the barely effective heaters we finally got installed after years of living through cold ass winters, sometimes with a baby living there, will be completely useless because the hot air will rise to the roof. And more mice will move in. And they will be more comfortable than me.
I know this cat who is subletting won’t be able to get it, since it’s out of reach. I wish. PLEASE CAT SUMMON IT. DESTROY IT. 😥
Anyway I’ve been generally foggy headed. After the hormonal birth control and my prior stint with weed (found out I can’t do weed. which is a shame because period cramps are a motherfucker), and in combination with the former a series of coinciding events (temporarily quit smoking because of birth control anxiety symptoms, sister had some scary things happen to her that worried me sick, quitting smoking gave me intense depression, lucid dream adventures after trying to solve my sleep paralysis problems did not mix well with many of these anxiety triggers/symptoms) I’ve become on some level traumatized by what I assume were exasperated and exaggerated bipolar symptoms. I’ve developed a fear of the unknown, the unreal, and what I worry are psychotic symptoms. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually experienced psychosis, or they were panic attacks, or about-to-be-panic-attacks, or intense anxiety caused by birth control has just left it’s scars and wounds, or maybe I’m schizoaffective now, or what. But I dance around it a lot and I think if I’m left alone too long or left alone with it I become afraid of my mind turning on itself.
Maybe I just need new experiences and to not think about it. I don’t know.
I can’t do anything about it now, as far as I know. I want to read more about the sleep paralysis and bipolar link, because I hadn’t known of it before. But I also wonder whether I should just leave it alone.
I hate feeling so limited too. I thought about maybe trying out medication. After the initial misdiagnoses I didn’t want to put myself in such a dangerous state again. But I guess I thought, well, this diagnosis seems right. And maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.
But then there’s lithium, where if you miss or stop taking it can make you have psychotic symptoms or experience psychosis worse than when you had before you started taking it. And then there’s insurance. The most stable things in my life are my library card and the bus not being consistently on time, and maybe my job. I can easily see a situation, and it seems to be pretty damn common, for your insurance to flake out and fuck you over with your medication. I DO NOT want to commit to a medication, or medications, and then have to deal with some bullshit where I’m without. I am the only person taking care of myself here, and even if I moved in with my family, they wouldn’t always be home to watch me. And if sliding scale somehow covers it, and my budget is always enough, what happens if I move? If the landlord decides to hell with all of us, or in two years or whenever the lease is up, moving to another state is financially more feasible (it very well might be). If I had a basic living wage or if insurance in this country made sense, then I wouldn’t need to worry as much. If I knew I wouldn’t be without access to the medication I need, then I wouldn’t have to worry about life distruptions or insurance or weird government or state laws or whatever. And it took me 4 months of phone tag and being redirected to voice mails to even get this damn COUNSELING appointment at the place I go to. I don’t want to have to deal with that for something like psychiatrics. Heck you can only see the actual psychiatrist every 4 months since he’s so damn swamped. They have to outsource a lot of them to video chat people.
I don’t know, the misdiagnosis and being given first ritatlin, then prozac, (both very bad for my diagnosis, though they did lead to my correct diagnosis, the mania it triggered ruined my credit in two weeks ($2000 – collections is still after me), and among other things actually made me move across the country – and this was while I was living with my family) and trying to get appointments in general, just gave me an insight on how destructive and unreliable the whole process could be. It could be great too, sure. But it’s such a huge gamble. And the choices I make now are pretty dumb sometimes, but I can manage those a lot better than all that ^
I can see that with my current means I might end up living a very limited life, and maybe a really stressful one too though. So I guess I wonder if it could be easier sometimes. But the first time I wondered that I had this weird feeling like there would be a catch and it wouldn’t be as simple as those commercials and even my psychiatrist was making it out to be. Western medicine sees a lot of what I described as things that can’t be prevented, or sort of casualties of war or the medical process, negligible risks, or if it gets worse, …worse. Something of fault within my brain rather than of fault of the medical practices. I’ve found government workers are sometimes more real with you about things, so I’m grateful I’m going somewhere like that. It’s not for profit I think, or at least people probably don’t make much there.
Sometimes I think spiritual practices, mindfulness practices, journaling, art, TRYING TO SLEEP FOR DOG’S SAKE, maybe even magick or tarot, or self-care practices, positive affirmations, surrounding myself with beauty, helping others, being cleanly and organized, or all of it could be enough, or I think rather than think this, I believe it, and I believe I won’t know the extent of my illness until I try and implement it. Rather than (or in addition to) a therapist perhaps I need a life coach, but a therapist is what I have right now. And not even reliably, I think. She’s cool, it’s not her, it’s the ‘system.’ Like “do we have the right phone number” “I’ve gotten that here at least three times did it not stick when we changed it…” “hmm lets see…well it looks like we do, hmm.” Do they have two phone catalogs or something…?? Update them both! In all three of your weird buildings!
Ok rant over I think. I’m scared of my brain and it makes me nauseous sometimes, and it makes me experience weird things and I want to get past it so I can live without having to think about that. At least if I can be in better control of them and change it to be a beautiful sensation, I’ll be ok.
ALRIGHT I DID IT AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS I FINALLY GOT TO MEET MY NEW DAMN THERAPIST JESUS CHRIST
And it was good
I think I’ve learned I’m still a little shook up from my weird experiences a year or two back, with messing with my headspace a little. And I mentioned wanting to quit cigarettes, and better drinking restraint when I do drink. I don’t as much anymore, but my stomach is sensitive and can barely handle one right now.
I’ve also learned I have trouble in terms of COOKING. I don’t even know how to change my diet really. My coworker had to help me out. If I had a car it wouldn’t be so much of an issue. But I don’t, so I kind of have to plan ahead. It’s tricky. Everything is so time sensitive. When you’re broke you’re constantly walking that tightrope.
I drank a lotta wine and stuff last night and smoked a lot. I’m a little sick as it is, so I shouldn’t have and now my lungs feel awful. I haven’t smoked all day. Now that I’ve mentioned it I kind of want to, partly coz my head feels a little weird. But I also don’t because my lungs feel awful. And it might make my headache worse.
I joined an online space witch coven today. It’s pretty cool so far. Mostly just me yelling into the void as usual and feeling dumb and like a thread-killer. Ah well. Life.
all this junk is hard. stuff is weird. loofas.
Saying you did anything online gives it validity, in terms of just bumbling around casually on the net. I’M A FREE SPIRIT online. hahaha.
Okay I don’t know what else to say. K bye. Journaling online has already been giving me some peace of mind. For example, noticing how beliefs are like fortune cookie slips floating around my brain gel-ocean. Strange things. Maybe that’s the Ti in INTP. Ah see, that’s where the maybe’s come in. Tired of maybes.
I’ve been feeling awkward in my social interactions, in a new way.
As in, I’ve noticed something that may or may not be another insecurity? Um….
So I talk to people….and they seem turned off or something. I’ve been kind of down lately, so I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a downer that’s too boring to listen to or if they just aren’t my people. I don’t want to sell them on myself, and if they asked they asked. So.
I have also noticed myself repeating the same old stories. And sometimes I notice myself trembling and my voice shaking around the stories, even if I try to make it a joke. And my voice quavers, and I feel kinda ill, and confused, almost like I have low blood sugar or something. Which honestly, I might in those situations, it’s totally possible that I’m hungry and it isn’t helping things.
Something about expression bringing things to light.
There’s the idea that if my friends were my friends then they could hear me say that I’m not okay and listen. But maybe they’re just tired of it. They’re also not really good friends though. Not to say they haven’t given me good advice or listened before, and hopefully I them. I guess I’m always looking for that loyalty thing. Maybe that’s a value I have? Is it realistic to expect in my friendships or to put on a person? I mean yeah, but not every friend is going to fit that criteria, and so we adjust our expectations with each friend, right? Or maybe not. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places….
Some people say we all need each other so reach out and also lend a hand, some people say the only person who can fulfill your needs are yourself so stop looking elsewhere….
Relationships are weird. Maybe I’m not giving enough. I always feel like I have little to give, like my emotions take up the bulk of my energy and if I can finally have the tools I need to handle those then I can give, because of the whole “you have to have a full cup” thing.
All these ideas and beliefs are kind of bullshit, I think, sometimes. Maybe it’s self-doubt that’s my biggest problem…..
Maybe maybe maybe
I kind of want to do a tarot reading right now, but I feel like that’s outsourcing my decision making.
Or it’s reflecting my own thoughts back at me in images easier to digest than amorphous water blobs in a soupy current. What?
Ehrhgh here lets try it. Luckily I brought my tarot deck to the library today. I’m also a little buzzed if not drunkish. Terrapin Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter whaaaat. I’m also a little sick, I should at least cut down on the cigarettes. Cigarillos.
Hey I might as well have a clear question….
Wuuuuut the fuck…??
What’s going on?
What am I doing?
Okay okay okay….okay I got this
Wait no AHHH!!
Aw what am I asking this about relationships, I had to go through this post to figure out what I was even doing this for. Ewww gross ahughsughsuu I’m in my Lovers year too, this sucks!
OKay, so this is about other people vs my..me ness. Outlook and interaction style or personal perspective (optimistic/down) and how that affects my people-relationshippy things. Crap.
Yeah that’s good enough, whatever.
Ok shuffled, now I need a spread.
Hm. Googling…..very little applicable spreads….ah yes.
Main challenge to maintaining healthy friendships.
Your greatest weakness as a friend.
Your greatest strength as a friend.
Avoid this if you want to grow your circle of friends.
Do more of this to maintain healthy friendships.
Where to find new friends.
What kind of friend to look for next.
Something you could do/bond over.
Hmm, I hope this is okay to do.
Alrighty, lets doooo iiiiiiit. I hope this isn’t outside my skill range. Universal Waite deck, deck 6 outta like 6 probably idk.
The state of my friendships in general
Strength – YESSSS KICKASS
Main challenge to maintaining healthy friendships
Chariot – still sounds kickass but I could see how this could be a problem in multiple ways agggh
My greatest weakness as a friend
big money big money……
9 of cups!…..what
My greatest strength as a friend
The Fool – aw what, how charming >_>
Avoid this if I want to grow my circle of friends
Knight of Pentacles – what being slow?? I take my damn time!
Do more of this to maintain healthy friendships
Ace of Pentacles – hmmm like make new friends? nah that’s Cups. Cook for em? Ehhh….
Where to find new friends?
ooooh tell tell
….I pulled a filler card by accident.
“What we see in the symbology of tarot derives in large measure from our own intuition and, once revealed, reflects back upon each of us to further enrich our lives.”
Ok I’ll keep that in mind, JUSSST IN CASE, pull this aside, and redraw.
Eight of pentacles – …at work?? Working on tarot, loooool
What kind of friend to look for next
Ace of Cups – oh way to set my expectations high, crap
Something we could do/bond over
King of Pentacles – our father issues???
BEHOLD I DID A THING!
Aw crap I have like not that much time left if I want to get home. Sooner. Erruhghguhgugg fuck.
4/9 are Pentacles
3/9 are Majors
2/9 are Court Cards.
1/0 is a Filler Card, I don’t know why
2/9 are Aces
2/9 are Cups
No wands or swords….or uh….queens…or pages…ahhh
2 are 8….
1 is 7….
I probably didn’t shuffle well but let’s pretend it’s also fate. Also WHAT IS PROBABILITY DAMN.
Okay whatever, like half of these are Pentacles basically. la lal al al ala
So cooool….>_>;; A lot of this is …..earth based…..friendships. ._. Uhm.
SO LIKE, my friendships are pretty solid or I’m restraining myself around them a lot, or they’re dealing with my problems right now, or I’m dealing with my insecurities around them a lot, but I’m handling it okay, or they are, and they treat me like a pet, and I roll with it???? Or I’m working with my feelings on my friendships by developing myself..??? They take care of me a lot?? And I enrich their lives with uh the wildness of the human experience?? Or I’m working with my feelings about my friendships?!??!?
NEXT CARDD AHHH AM I STAYING HERE FOR 5 MINUTES SO I CAN CATCH THE BUS OR STAYING HERE FOR ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF FUCK MAYBE THE LIBRARY CLOSES BEFORE THAT AHH
ah screw it I’ll just rot here
Eh card 2 THE MAIN CHALLENGE TO MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS is that I want them to get outta my way when I do things!!! Or my bipolar disorder??? And right now that’s taking up a lot of my focus so I don’t have time for anything else and ignore their needs to serve mine?? Or I’m so focused on my goals that I don’t notice them or care for them? OR like the Cancer sun sign I am and the card is about, defenses and armor are up?? I don’t have a reliable form of transportation so I can’t do things easily with them???
Greatest weakness as a friend – UHHHH I’m chasing mine and see everyone else as happier than me and so I dont think about their struggles and only try to get myself that happy and try to keep things all happy??? Self-serving?? I’m chasing material wants and not necessarily focused on everybody else’s cups?? Just on filling all of mine?? No mind for charity??
Greatest strength as a friend – I make every experience new and exciting and interesting and am innocent and naive and this makes people care for me and try to watch out for me which makes them feel needed and also I show them to take risks and make things news again for them and am hopeful and idealistic and look on the bright side of things and sometimes people need that?? My fresh perspective??? Trusting??? Easy to trust?? I also watch out them and make life an adventure??
Avoid this if you want to expand your circle of friends – Stop dillydallying and focusing on getting $$ and getting ahead and making it even if it’s slowly, and just go out there head on and fast and recklessly?? Don’t be a square?? WHAT THE HELL WITH THE NEXT CARD
Do more of this to maintain healthy relationships: Ace of Pentacles?? LIKE THE OTHER CARD IS THE KNIGHT HOLDING THE ACE AND HERE IT’S LIKE GOD’S HAND HOLDING THE ACE, WHAT I NEED TO BECOME GOD??? I NEED TO LOSE THE HORSE, BODY, KALE HAT???
Hmm okay, Knighto has a barren field, but much lettuce had. And weeding gloves. He prepares to plant the seed slowly and surely, to start the …harvest…in a year. ?? Slow investment? Vs…..I am a millionaire now?? I should like, be cool with the stuff I have?? NAH THAT AIN’T IT, ACES ARE ALL GRASP THIS OPPORTUNITY, WHAT. So I don’t need to go slow??? OK KNIGHTS AREN’T THAT SLOW? DO I GO AT ALL??? FUCK.
Ok, so instead of being grounded and patient and particular and slow about things I should see everything as a new…grounded….opportunity. And ..damn. Okay. How about, instead of seeing them as end goals to eventually achieve I should just be in the moment, and scatter my…friendship seeds. And grow ecosystems of friendship.
Fuck I don’t know nEXT
Where to find new friends – 8 of Pentacles/Tarot Filler Card. Ok so. At work. And doing my hobbies. So maybe at hobby-like and work things. Eh. Ok I’m kinda doing the work thing. So places where I improve my skill at something.
What kind of friend to look for next – Ace of Cups. Maaaaan I always want this though, someone who like I’ll love and is nurturing and stuff. Like a spiritual emotional connection, something really fulfilling. Or someone who I can see there being great emotional potential with. That’s a nice way to filter out the plebes AHAHAHA jk. Or who I can…commune with? In a meaningful deep way? Or who I get the intuitive vibe for?
Something we could do/bond over: OUR MUTUAL LUXURIOUS TASTES or flashy style or something. Er…witchy baubles? Enjoy the splendor of our empires! Eat grapes. Feast. Take care of ourselves, fulfill our goals? Manage our business?? A business?? Our loved ones??
Helping each other deal with the tough stuff through love and acceptance?
Task focused and ignore other people in pursuing them – or focusing on progress – or struggling to maintain my bipolar disorder can make it challenging in being a reliable friend. Being self-protective can make me unreachable?
Too self indulgent and one-upmanshipy?
I bring new experiences to other people?
Avoid using all your resources for goal directed activity?
Give to others in a concrete way
At work or practicing some kind of hobby or task.
Look for a friend where the friendship looks emotionally fulfilling and start of something beautiful/loving/nurturting/spiritual? Or who has a vast emotional capacity and is loving?
We’ll bond over becoming masters in our physical reality??? Or craft?
Alright that’s good for now. 1 minute left in computer time. Maybe I should format these different.
I’ve just started you. I feel self-conscious because I’m at a library and there are screaming kids. Nothing against screaming kids but I have some level of social anxiety, so I’m worried that the parents think I’m angry at their screaming kids, and low-key I am kind of frustrated, but more with myself and my life choices and my broke-ass not being able to afford my own computer. At some point I was also worried that I wasn’t being true to my easily overstimulated self so I stuck a long-nailed pointer finger into my left ear as an experiment and I ended up feeling rude, but honest.
I amhave bipolar, specifically bipolar disorder II, probably, and I’m a chronic oversharer. I also have some level of OCD, probably mild? Eh. I go to therapy when therapy has a timeslot available.
I live with a bunch of hippies who edge towards the cynical gardener occult side with various day jobs, and we live in constant flux. Thassal I’m gonna say about that.
I’m kind of paranoid of people getting into my business so I’ll try to do this in a balanced way. I tried a few blogs before being all super open in the fear that I was intensely emotionally repressed or something, but really I was just lonely and bored and depressed and secretive despite my efforts so 98% of the blog was angry made-up words in cryptic garbage duck poems.
You know when you’re at the library and it says 8 mins and 43 seconds are left but you can’t remember how many time extensions you’ve accepted?
I also dabble in the magick and occult. I’ve also done drugs before so I try to dabble with one finger in the water, the rest of my body flat on the dirt, my dipping arm hanging on a log near the river bank that’s been flanked with large stones and isn’t going anywhere. I have started calling myself a witch though, just to see how I feel. Interested in pop culture magick, the astral, dreams, and also afraid of those last two partly as a result of my past dabbling.
My mom’s side of the family are all evangelical christians, now. Well, save three of us. We’re also from a more conservative culture. Here’s for breaking the mold, ah ha ha. Ha. My dad is a whole topic, obviously.
I’m queer???? I’m definitely something. Guesses: Bi, genderneutral, genderfluid, genderdudeish, demi, sexually frustrated, wait that’s not an orientation, –
I don’t read, or more accurately finish as many books as I used to, or write, so my writing has suffered. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever. Also making and deleting tumblrs, on and off, it’s rubbed off on me nonetheless.
I might talk tarot and astrology sometimes. I might talk family. I might whatever. Angst. I’m either on the down end or mixed bit of things at the moment.