Streamers · Tarot Readings

Tired-de-loop

I have been kinda tired.

Oh no I just realized I hadn’t grabbed a beer for today. Ahhh….what do I do, do I really want beer?? Hmm.

Anyway.

exhaustedslump

Yeah, I’ve been skirting the melancholic line, dipping in a little, dipping out. Tryna figure out what I’m about. Gotta organize and clean my room but I’ve a list made and stuff.

So I’m feeling optimistic, but then I’m super tired. And sometimes I’ll get sad and wonder what the point is. But now that I can recognize it as an emotion, I don’t take it as personally and think things really are wrong or bad or messed up or inherently empty. I know it’s this just the feeling that’s making me feel that way. But sometimes I start falling for it. I wonder if I’ve gotten better at doing that with the hypomania too though. Next time I’ll try to separate myself from the invisible feeling of urgency.

 

chariot
The Chariot from Stephanie Pui-Mun Law’s Shadowscapes Tarot. Link goes to the story for this card.

But now I want to be more urgent, I guess. I keep pulling the Chariot in my Shadowscapes tarot deck. Maybe I should try the Sun and Moon deck too though, since it’s kinda relevant. I mean, I bought it before I knew I was bipolar, but by then was aware of the patterns.

 

I have trouble understanding the concept of control, exercising or externalizing your will power, “hard control,” exercising force. I feel like I’m so passive and am afraid of causing harm. But then there’s this other idea of me that doesn’t care and is a fiery torando or single-minded cannon.

I feel like the image of the chariot is particularly relevant for my bipolar disorder, but I don’t get how that person is doing it. Wait, I wasn’t talking about my bipolar disorder. Ahgg, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly where my personality and where this …thing, sort of intersect. Are those two sides of me just my understanding of my personality, influenced by bipolar disorder? Seeing the two different modes I can live my life within? Maybe three now, if we’re considering how anxiety has entered the picture. Or how I’ve just noticed it. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s how bipolar disorder is more external, like I’m me regardless but it’s the horse. So me, regardless of bipolar disorder, I tend to oscillate between two different kind of active/inactive modes, specific to a situation. Ehh….or is it both, where it’s influences me, and I influence it or it’s expression. Saying it’s both sometimes feel like the easy answer.

 

chariot2
from Vanessa Decort’s Sun and Moon Tarot. Links to artist’s website.

On top of that, I’m a cancer by sun sign, so this card kinda ties three things together. My wishy-washy sort of inconsistent mode of being, my sun sign and it’s famous moodiness and sensitivity, and my bipolar disorder and how it jerks me around. Cancers have to learn how to control and manage their emotions and take care of theirselves, and folks with bipolar people do as well with the help of medication, sleep, limiting or removing drugs/alcohol/caffeine/etc, and possible dietary changes. I feel like I need to do generally get my shit together.

I can see Strength as being soft control, and Chariot as being hard control. If I take myself out of the fool’s journey and let go of the idea of progression in self-mastery, then these are simply two different methods to get the job done.

I guess I’m confused because I thought I was learning soft control, or supposed to be. I think I’ve learned how to be more patient with myself and take it step by step. Or maybe I have learned it, and now I can give a hand at hard control and force again. Since before I might’ve been harsher on myself, and domineering, unforgiving, without yielding results. I’ve been better able to recognize those voices in my head too, though I don’t always know how to deal with them other than just distracting myself or sort of leaving it or not engaging. I guess kind of like in real life.

Maybe I’m confusing the Chariot’s energy with the Emperor’s? I think I have a problem emperorwith the Emperor, like I’m sure a few of us do. Maybe I can’t conceive of the Chariot’s energy and ideas of force and willpower and hard control to get a job done without also associating it with anger, discipline, aggressiveness, by-any-means-necessary mentality, harsh words, an edge of cruelty. This isn’t necessarily the Emperor, but it’s some of the beef I have with the card, and some of the Kings as well, sometimes.

I guess I might find out by practicing. I don’t have to be a powerhouse or power-plow or be a laser cannon of intense infrared focus or however, but I do need to harness my energies and make them work together.

You’d think after my temperance year I’d have a better intuition or idea of how that looks, but maybe that’s why Crowley calls it Art. You probably won’t till it’s done.

That tripped me up all of that year. I still get tripped up by the concept. I can….merge….these energies? No, that’s temperance. I can…harness……up and down. I can harness….superspeed and superexhaustion. I can harness….my hypomania and depression….. I can harness ….. to think, I had trouble understanding duality before, seeing everything as one whole thing ultimately, and now I can’t get past it. How the hell do you harness …?? What is being harnessed?? What the hell!

Maybe I should try a Chariot spread. What two energies, for what end. Yeah. Let’s try it. I’ll add in a screenshot since I’m using the Shadowscapes deck on my phone.

….

 

Capture+_2017-04-07-16-37-41Negative/Black Sphinx: 7 of Pentacles

Positive/White Sphinx: 7 Of Wands

For What End/Charioteer: Temperance

MAN, I didn’t need another duality card!!! Alright so the Charioteer’s end goal is temperance and the harnessing of both of these energies to achieve a more unified whole or balance. Alright, thank you. He harnesses the fierceness of protecting and going after what’s yours with the cool methodical contemplation of a gardener waiting for the right moment to strike or to harvest the fruits of his labours. This is LITERALLY defining the chariot card. I meant for me! Did I not make that clear?! There are even two 7 cards that correspond with the Chariots VII!!!! Temperance is 14 too, mrrr.

………..alright so is my depression like waiting and seeing and my hypomania like fighting and competing? That sounds like evolutionary psychology. Also I just remembered my Chariot year is coming up July. I’m pretty sure I start getting the next year’s growth cards once my birthday nears.

So, I need to strike……..when the iron is hot…..after I’ve carefully heated up the iron.

Wait no, I need to balance that attack/defend, or setting a goal and fiercely sticking with it and fighting for it, with taking time to reflect and evaluating my progress and if I’m on course.

 

….I might add more to this, but for now I’ve gotta go!

Streamers · Tarot Readings

Hit or Miss

I’ve been feeling awkward in my social interactions, in a new way.

As in, I’ve noticed something that may or may not be another insecurity? Um….

So I talk to people….and they seem turned off or something. I’ve been kind of down lately, so I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a downer that’s too boring to listen to or if they just aren’t my people. I don’t want to sell them on myself, and if they asked they asked. So.

I have also noticed myself repeating the same old stories. And sometimes I notice myself trembling and my voice shaking around the stories, even if I try to make it a joke. And my voice quavers, and I feel kinda ill, and confused, almost like I have low blood sugar or something. Which honestly, I might in those situations, it’s totally possible that I’m hungry and it isn’t helping things.

Something about expression bringing things to light.

There’s the idea that if my friends were my friends then they could hear me say that I’m not okay and listen. But maybe they’re just tired of it. They’re also not really good friends though. Not to say they haven’t given me good advice or listened before, and hopefully I them. I guess I’m always looking for that loyalty thing. Maybe that’s a value I have? Is it realistic to expect in my friendships or to put on a person? I mean yeah, but not every friend is going to fit that criteria, and so we adjust our expectations with each friend, right? Or maybe not. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places….

Some people say we all need each other so reach out and also lend a hand, some people say the only person who can fulfill your needs are yourself so stop looking elsewhere….

Relationships are weird. Maybe I’m not giving enough. I always feel like I have little to give, like my emotions take up the bulk of my energy and if I can finally have the tools I need to handle those then I can give, because of the whole “you have to have a full cup” thing.

All these ideas and beliefs are kind of bullshit, I think, sometimes. Maybe it’s self-doubt that’s my biggest problem…..

Maybe maybe maybe

I kind of want to do a tarot reading right now, but I feel like that’s outsourcing my decision making.

Or it’s reflecting my own thoughts back at me in images easier to digest than amorphous water blobs in a soupy current. What?

Ehrhgh here lets try it. Luckily I brought my tarot deck to the library today. I’m also a little buzzed if not drunkish. Terrapin Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter whaaaat. I’m also a little sick, I should at least cut down on the cigarettes. Cigarillos.

Hey I might as well have a clear question….

  1. Wuuuuut the fuck…??
  2. What’s going on?
  3. What am I doing?
  4. Hey what
  5. Uh
  6. w

Okay okay okay….okay I got this

Wait no AHHH!!

Aw what am I asking this about relationships, I had to go through this post to figure out what I was even doing this for. Ewww gross ahughsughsuu I’m in my Lovers year too, this sucks!

OKay, so this is about other people vs my..me ness. Outlook and interaction style or personal perspective (optimistic/down) and how that affects my people-relationshippy things. Crap.

Yeah that’s good enough, whatever.

Ok shuffled, now I need a spread.

Hm. Googling…..very little applicable spreads….ah yes.

The Forever Friendship Spread by Lisa from Angelorum

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  1. The state of your friendships in general.
  2. Main challenge to maintaining healthy friendships.
  3. Your greatest weakness as a friend.
  4. Your greatest strength as a friend.
  5. Avoid this if you want to grow your circle of friends.
  6. Do more of this to maintain healthy friendships.
  7. Where to find new friends.
  8. What kind of friend to look for next.
  9. Something you could do/bond over.

Hmm, I hope this is okay to do.

Alrighty, lets doooo iiiiiiit. I hope this isn’t outside my skill range. Universal Waite deck, deck 6 outta like 6 probably idk.

  1. The state of my friendships in general
    • Strength – YESSSS KICKASS
  2. Main challenge to maintaining healthy friendships
    • Chariot – still sounds kickass but I could see how this could be a problem in multiple ways agggh
  3. My greatest weakness as a friend
    • big money big money……
    • 9 of cups!…..what
  4. My greatest strength as a friend
    • The Fool – aw what, how charming >_>
  5. Avoid this if I want to grow my circle of friends
    • Knight of Pentacles – what being slow?? I take my damn time!
  6. Do more of this to maintain healthy friendships
    • Ace of Pentacles – hmmm like make new friends? nah that’s Cups. Cook for em? Ehhh….
  7. Where to find new friends?
    • ooooh tell tell
    • ….I pulled a filler card by accident.
    • “What we see in the symbology of tarot derives in large measure from our own intuition and, once revealed, reflects back upon each of us to further enrich our lives.”
    • Ok I’ll keep that in mind, JUSSST IN CASE, pull this aside, and redraw.
    • Eight of pentacles – …at work?? Working on tarot, loooool
  8. What kind of friend to look for next
    • Ace of Cups – oh way to set my expectations high, crap
  9. Something we could do/bond over
    • King of Pentacles – our father issues???

BEHOLD I DID A THING!

20161018_185010-1
Technology is amazing.

Aw crap I have like not that much time left if I want to get home. Sooner. Erruhghguhgugg fuck.

Alright breakdown:

  • 4/9 are Pentacles
  • 3/9 are Majors
  • 2/9 are Court Cards.
  • 1/0 is a Filler Card, I don’t know why
  • 2/9 are Aces
  • 2/9 are Cups
  • No wands or swords….or uh….queens…or pages…ahhh
  • 2 are 8….
  • 1 is 7….

I probably didn’t shuffle well but let’s pretend it’s also fate. Also WHAT IS PROBABILITY DAMN.

Okay whatever, like half of these are Pentacles basically. la lal al al ala

This was….useless.

Okay.

So cooool….>_>;; A lot of this is …..earth based…..friendships. ._. Uhm.

Okay. OKAY.

SO LIKE, my friendships are pretty solid or I’m restraining myself around them a lot, or they’re dealing with my problems right now, or I’m dealing with my insecurities around them a lot, but I’m handling it okay, or they are, and they treat me like a pet, and I roll with it???? Or I’m working with my feelings on my friendships by developing myself..??? They take care of me a lot?? And I enrich their lives with uh the wildness of the human experience?? Or I’m working with my feelings about my friendships?!??!?

NEXT CARDD AHHH AM I STAYING HERE FOR 5 MINUTES SO I CAN CATCH THE BUS OR STAYING HERE FOR ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF FUCK MAYBE THE LIBRARY CLOSES BEFORE THAT AHH

ah screw it I’ll just rot here

Eh card 2 THE MAIN CHALLENGE TO MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS is that I want them to get outta my way when I do things!!! Or my bipolar disorder??? And right now that’s taking up a lot of my focus so I don’t have time for anything else and ignore their needs to serve mine?? Or I’m so focused on my goals that I don’t notice them or care for them? OR like the Cancer sun sign I am and the card is about, defenses and armor are up?? I don’t have a reliable form of transportation so I can’t do things easily with them???

Greatest weakness as a friend – UHHHH I’m chasing mine and see everyone else as happier than me and so I dont think about their struggles and only try to get myself that happy and try to keep things all happy??? Self-serving?? I’m chasing material wants and not necessarily focused on everybody else’s cups?? Just on filling all of mine?? No mind for charity??

Greatest strength as a friend – I make every experience new and exciting and interesting and am innocent and naive and this makes people care for me and try to watch out for me which makes them feel needed and also I show them to take risks and make things news again for them and am hopeful and idealistic and look on the bright side of things and sometimes people need that?? My fresh perspective??? Trusting??? Easy to trust?? I also watch out them and make life an adventure??

Avoid this if you want to expand your circle of friends – Stop dillydallying and focusing on getting $$ and getting ahead and making it even if it’s slowly, and just go out there head on and fast and recklessly?? Don’t be a square?? WHAT THE HELL WITH THE NEXT CARD

Do more of this to maintain healthy relationships: Ace of Pentacles?? LIKE THE OTHER CARD IS THE KNIGHT HOLDING THE ACE AND HERE IT’S LIKE GOD’S HAND HOLDING THE ACE, WHAT I NEED TO BECOME GOD??? I NEED TO LOSE THE HORSE, BODY, KALE HAT???

Hmm okay, Knighto has a barren field, but much lettuce had. And weeding gloves. He prepares to plant the seed slowly and surely, to start the …harvest…in a year. ?? Slow investment? Vs…..I am a millionaire now?? I should like, be cool with the stuff I have?? NAH THAT AIN’T IT, ACES ARE ALL GRASP THIS OPPORTUNITY, WHAT. So I don’t need to go slow??? OK KNIGHTS AREN’T THAT SLOW? DO I GO AT ALL??? FUCK.

Ok, so instead of being grounded and patient and particular and slow about things I should see everything as a new…grounded….opportunity. And ..damn. Okay. How about, instead of seeing them as end goals to eventually achieve I should just be in the moment, and scatter my…friendship seeds. And grow ecosystems of friendship.

Fuck I don’t know nEXT

Where to find new friends – 8 of Pentacles/Tarot Filler Card. Ok so. At work. And doing my hobbies. So maybe at hobby-like and work things. Eh. Ok I’m kinda doing the work thing. So places where I improve my skill at something.

K dope.

What kind of friend to look for next – Ace of Cups. Maaaaan I always want this though, someone who like I’ll love and is nurturing and stuff. Like a spiritual emotional connection, something really fulfilling. Or someone who I can see there being great emotional potential with. That’s a nice way to filter out the plebes AHAHAHA jk. Or who I can…commune with? In a meaningful deep way? Or who I get the intuitive vibe for?

K

Something we could do/bond over: OUR MUTUAL LUXURIOUS TASTES or flashy style or something. Er…witchy baubles? Enjoy the splendor of our empires! Eat grapes. Feast. Take care of ourselves, fulfill our goals? Manage our business?? A business?? Our loved ones??

SUMMARY??

  1. Helping each other deal with the tough stuff through love and acceptance?
  2. Task focused and ignore other people in pursuing them – or focusing on progress – or struggling to maintain my bipolar disorder can make it challenging in being a reliable friend. Being self-protective can make me unreachable?
  3. Too self indulgent and one-upmanshipy?
  4. I bring new experiences to other people?
  5. Avoid using all your resources for goal directed activity?
  6. Give to others in a concrete way
  7. At work or practicing some kind of hobby or task.
  8. Look for a friend where the friendship looks emotionally fulfilling and start of something beautiful/loving/nurturting/spiritual? Or who has a vast emotional capacity and is loving?
  9. We’ll bond over becoming masters in our physical reality??? Or craft?

Alright that’s good for now. 1 minute left in computer time. Maybe I should format these different.