Streamers

Web Design Studying Progress

So here’s some progress in my knowledge, from a while ago. I ended up signing up with Treehouse and am studying through them, but the HTML course on Coursera was how I managed to make all that in the first place. Codeacademy is also a good place to get an introduction. I also used it to help me understand margin and padding a little better, but that’s where I left off before deciding to give Treehouse a try.

So far it’s great, but I’m wondering where personal projects come in, for practice and real world experience, but I’m gonna assume that’s for pro membership or something.

I’m guessing learning coding and gaining experience is basically trial and error and keeping up to date. Sounds stressful. But it’s also fun so far. Actually, HTML and CSS are kinda getting boring and hassling a little, I think I expected more …..sort of like logical thinky puzzles or something. But I guess you gotta create a system to solve it’s problems, I don’t know.

Not that HTML/CSS don’t have that, or that I’m ready for things past it. I’m still not whipping out that notebook I think. Partly because my internet problems suck so much that I’m constantly moving around and messing with my computer, and it’s hard to manage all the windows and resizing of windows I gotta do to use Treehouse, on top of switching to paper, and my laptop overheating easy and spontaneously turning off.  Maybe I’m rushing too much though. Chilllll….

Capture
This is here because sometimes a post’s featured photo won’t show up. My website!

Anyway, after I learned about responsive web design and other junk I realized my poor website might need a redo. Hahahaha. But I think I can make it easier now though. Hey, kinda my first website, that’s not too bad.

Ah, that underline under the header is new, I was trying to make it a link and decided I couldn’t be bothered to fix it at the moment since I was still watching a video on the stuff and figured I’d just go back and change it anyway. It’s not supposed to be there anyway.

Streamers · Tarot Readings

Tired-de-loop

I have been kinda tired.

Oh no I just realized I hadn’t grabbed a beer for today. Ahhh….what do I do, do I really want beer?? Hmm.

Anyway.

exhaustedslump

Yeah, I’ve been skirting the melancholic line, dipping in a little, dipping out. Tryna figure out what I’m about. Gotta organize and clean my room but I’ve a list made and stuff.

So I’m feeling optimistic, but then I’m super tired. And sometimes I’ll get sad and wonder what the point is. But now that I can recognize it as an emotion, I don’t take it as personally and think things really are wrong or bad or messed up or inherently empty. I know it’s this just the feeling that’s making me feel that way. But sometimes I start falling for it. I wonder if I’ve gotten better at doing that with the hypomania too though. Next time I’ll try to separate myself from the invisible feeling of urgency.

 

chariot
The Chariot from Stephanie Pui-Mun Law’s Shadowscapes Tarot. Link goes to the story for this card.

But now I want to be more urgent, I guess. I keep pulling the Chariot in my Shadowscapes tarot deck. Maybe I should try the Sun and Moon deck too though, since it’s kinda relevant. I mean, I bought it before I knew I was bipolar, but by then was aware of the patterns.

 

I have trouble understanding the concept of control, exercising or externalizing your will power, “hard control,” exercising force. I feel like I’m so passive and am afraid of causing harm. But then there’s this other idea of me that doesn’t care and is a fiery torando or single-minded cannon.

I feel like the image of the chariot is particularly relevant for my bipolar disorder, but I don’t get how that person is doing it. Wait, I wasn’t talking about my bipolar disorder. Ahgg, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly where my personality and where this …thing, sort of intersect. Are those two sides of me just my understanding of my personality, influenced by bipolar disorder? Seeing the two different modes I can live my life within? Maybe three now, if we’re considering how anxiety has entered the picture. Or how I’ve just noticed it. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s how bipolar disorder is more external, like I’m me regardless but it’s the horse. So me, regardless of bipolar disorder, I tend to oscillate between two different kind of active/inactive modes, specific to a situation. Ehh….or is it both, where it’s influences me, and I influence it or it’s expression. Saying it’s both sometimes feel like the easy answer.

 

chariot2
from Vanessa Decort’s Sun and Moon Tarot. Links to artist’s website.

On top of that, I’m a cancer by sun sign, so this card kinda ties three things together. My wishy-washy sort of inconsistent mode of being, my sun sign and it’s famous moodiness and sensitivity, and my bipolar disorder and how it jerks me around. Cancers have to learn how to control and manage their emotions and take care of theirselves, and folks with bipolar people do as well with the help of medication, sleep, limiting or removing drugs/alcohol/caffeine/etc, and possible dietary changes. I feel like I need to do generally get my shit together.

I can see Strength as being soft control, and Chariot as being hard control. If I take myself out of the fool’s journey and let go of the idea of progression in self-mastery, then these are simply two different methods to get the job done.

I guess I’m confused because I thought I was learning soft control, or supposed to be. I think I’ve learned how to be more patient with myself and take it step by step. Or maybe I have learned it, and now I can give a hand at hard control and force again. Since before I might’ve been harsher on myself, and domineering, unforgiving, without yielding results. I’ve been better able to recognize those voices in my head too, though I don’t always know how to deal with them other than just distracting myself or sort of leaving it or not engaging. I guess kind of like in real life.

Maybe I’m confusing the Chariot’s energy with the Emperor’s? I think I have a problem emperorwith the Emperor, like I’m sure a few of us do. Maybe I can’t conceive of the Chariot’s energy and ideas of force and willpower and hard control to get a job done without also associating it with anger, discipline, aggressiveness, by-any-means-necessary mentality, harsh words, an edge of cruelty. This isn’t necessarily the Emperor, but it’s some of the beef I have with the card, and some of the Kings as well, sometimes.

I guess I might find out by practicing. I don’t have to be a powerhouse or power-plow or be a laser cannon of intense infrared focus or however, but I do need to harness my energies and make them work together.

You’d think after my temperance year I’d have a better intuition or idea of how that looks, but maybe that’s why Crowley calls it Art. You probably won’t till it’s done.

That tripped me up all of that year. I still get tripped up by the concept. I can….merge….these energies? No, that’s temperance. I can…harness……up and down. I can harness….superspeed and superexhaustion. I can harness….my hypomania and depression….. I can harness ….. to think, I had trouble understanding duality before, seeing everything as one whole thing ultimately, and now I can’t get past it. How the hell do you harness …?? What is being harnessed?? What the hell!

Maybe I should try a Chariot spread. What two energies, for what end. Yeah. Let’s try it. I’ll add in a screenshot since I’m using the Shadowscapes deck on my phone.

….

 

Capture+_2017-04-07-16-37-41Negative/Black Sphinx: 7 of Pentacles

Positive/White Sphinx: 7 Of Wands

For What End/Charioteer: Temperance

MAN, I didn’t need another duality card!!! Alright so the Charioteer’s end goal is temperance and the harnessing of both of these energies to achieve a more unified whole or balance. Alright, thank you. He harnesses the fierceness of protecting and going after what’s yours with the cool methodical contemplation of a gardener waiting for the right moment to strike or to harvest the fruits of his labours. This is LITERALLY defining the chariot card. I meant for me! Did I not make that clear?! There are even two 7 cards that correspond with the Chariots VII!!!! Temperance is 14 too, mrrr.

………..alright so is my depression like waiting and seeing and my hypomania like fighting and competing? That sounds like evolutionary psychology. Also I just remembered my Chariot year is coming up July. I’m pretty sure I start getting the next year’s growth cards once my birthday nears.

So, I need to strike……..when the iron is hot…..after I’ve carefully heated up the iron.

Wait no, I need to balance that attack/defend, or setting a goal and fiercely sticking with it and fighting for it, with taking time to reflect and evaluating my progress and if I’m on course.

 

….I might add more to this, but for now I’ve gotta go!

Streamers

Whoopdeloop

It’s been months! 4 months!

Uhhh! Yeah! Idk, I kinda left the cosmic coven thing pretty quickly. It’s hard to do that sorta thing on a phone. I don’t think I can much now either since there’s not much internet in my room, and I’d wanna be private about it. And I have a laptop now! My mom helped as a birthday advance. I started using Amino for witchy communities. I’m exploring different sites for studying HTML/CSS and doing a course on coursera. I was mildly depressed and frantic the last two weeks so that put a damper on things and I stopped studying, as a result of hypomania induced room clutter. But I’m trying to be organized again. It’s a WIP, throughout the cycling. I made a list and I hope to journal again on here as part of being….organized and well. I can’t ignore art and expression and writing as a part of self-care I’m realizing…finally haha. I need to schedule these things too, or make time for them anyway. Yup.

There’s a lot more like dreams about my dad and his side of the family, consistent beer drinking the last two weeks (usually 1), and making an Amino community today and my vaguely coming to understand my mild abandonment issues (is that what it is? something lonely, needy, reactive, isolated, brooding and feeling left out anyway). I’ve been getting back into tarot again as I usually do after a few months. Stuff like that. Stuff that’s happened before, and stuff I’ve been improving on again.

Alright, thanks! 🙂

Streamers

Woofsh – Feeling pRiCkLY

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

So I had a great night last night. We saw Unknown Hinson. It was great.

Today I went to therapy, and after 5 minutes got kind of annoyed, 10 minutes got anxious and stressed, 12 minutes I was at the front desk waiting because it said if the person is 15 minutes late then say something, 20 minutes someone was there and asked me what was up and realized that she had actually called out sick. Apparently I was supposed to have gotten a call. Great.

So I was pissed. BECAUSE I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS. It’s happened before except I waited 30-45 minutes until they remembered. The last time it happened was 4 months ago and I finally was able to make an appointment again, three weeks ago, with a new person, because by then my last counselor had left.

Then I voted and I felt better.

I also made myself an egg sandwich at my boyfriend’s house in a hurry to catch the bus and the first bite I took squirted egg yolk juice all over the pants he let me borrow. I thought I’d cooked it more. Then I was trying to clean it with like a piece of spinach or something (I put it in my leftover salad container) and realized that the egg yolk somehow managed to coat the bottom of the container and just smeared it all over the other pants leg. And I was only a bite in.

IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL A HOT MESS BECAUSE I FEEL PRETTY HOT RIGHT NOW. PHYSICALLY. THE WALLS OF THE CAVITY CONTAINING MY ORGANS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE BURNING.

???

Oyoyoyoyoyooyo

I had a great last two days though. My boyfriend’s roommate happened to have a ticket while I was trying to figure out whether to go out to the show. I served popcorn to kids. I made the popcorn in a popcorn machine. It was stressful and fulfilling, because I was also cashiering and stocking and helping close the store. I had gotten my coworker to mop my half of store for me so I could go to the show, but then there was popcorn all over the floor and I hadn’t realized that halloween would be so crazy so I decided to do my half after all, because I would’ve felt terrible knowing he might probably still be there at midnight with all that. Poor guy. I hope he had fun. Hopefully my boss helped out too.

I had beers and I had cigarettes and I have a stash of candy in my purse I grabbed from the bar. Pictures were taken. Someone I live with lent me a pirate costume. It was great.

I’m angry about the therapy thing because it shouldn’t be a source of stress @_@ It’s supposed to help me deal with stress. But it never really is….

It kind of makes me want to quit because it’s so annoying. Or maybe I should look for another place to take me. But they’d all be a lot farther and where I’m at now is more convenient with the grocery stores, library, bus stops. I don’t know. I wish I had a car. I should probably call ahead everytime before I go, but considering how they don’t answer their phones…or are ineffective…”do you have an appointment? “yeah” “oh yeah well come on up then” “is she there though” “yeah if you have an appointment” “right…” “do you want me to connect you to her office” “yeah ok” /goes immediately to voicemail. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to talk to my counselor or the supervisor on the phone, but I can’t count how many times I’ve been connected to their various numbers.

annoyed annoyed annoyed irritated

What’s the fucking point!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

I KNOW WHAT THE POINT IS BY THE WAY. I’m just letting my feelings out. >8@

ARRHGUHIGHIGHIGHGUHUGHUARGH

Otherwise I’m in a good mood. sort of. I can’t really talk to this with anyone. No one gets it. No one understands my cosmic piranha rage. Maybe this is part of my OCD to be honest but I feel just like rrhgsgghghhckkkkk because I always hate it when my therapist or doctor even sometimes are late. Doctors are usually more on time. But you work in the health care system and everything about it is just so….punctuality is important ok! In your field! I don’t feel like it’s reliable where I go. No one, except that one lady, is an asshole (potentially also the pharmacist), but GEEEEEZ. IS IT CAUSE IT’S GOVERNMENT FUNDED THROUGH GRANTS AND STUFF??? MORE FUNDING WOULD BE GREAT. FIX YOUR PHONES. I think everyone who works there kinda knows sorta ish. GEez. Crap.

OKAY I’m STILL MAD SO IDK AM I DONE WHAT DO I DO NOW. I want to take action to change things, dramatically. Maybe I should try a different facility. It’s also weird because I have all these other things I want to talk about and I don’t want to be in therapy talking about how much the process of getting into therapy is stressing me out. THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME. IT’S REALLY DISTRACTING BEING MAD IN THERAPY ABOUT THERAPY WHEN YOU WEREN’T MAD 45 MINUTES AGO, WHILE YOU WERE WAITING. FOR YOUR THERAPIST. /dragon screech

Also the other day I tried the 7 cups app and I ended up cheering the other person up instead of the other way around. Not intentionally, it was just kind of boring having someone only say “I see” coz they couldn’t give me advice or whatever and were cautious about that, so I unintentionally blew their mind about lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis and pirates and the ocean as a cool metaphor for bipolar and crap, cracking jokes throughout my stress and worries and they ended up being like wow i feel great ok you’re welcome why do I do this. I guess I feel like I served my community now. Was I bumming you out before?

I’ve had a therapist thank me for giving her a new way of looking at autism before too. I’m pretty sure that’s why she diagnosed me aspergers in between talking about politics and obamacare. Ok here’s your $50. I’m not aspergers, probably. I’m sure I’m on the spectrum, it’s a spectrum, etc, idk.

INEFFECTIVE.

Yeesh. How about just give me drugs and release me from your disorganized spiderweb of dynamic accountability. Eris ain’t touching that shit. It’s only in her realm between the hours of 10-2pm on fridays and 4-6 on the 2nd and 4th tuesday each month, and even then only the right half of the building on the driveway is really committing. She probably feels motherly towards it. I’m not real.

I don’t really want drugs, I just want all the people trying to grab my heart to do it right. Why am I offering this to you? No one deserves it. No one is doing it right.

Maybe I should do this by myself.

Streamers

Green Apple Lolipop

So , I don’t feel like I have anything in particular to report.

I just went to therapy. It was nice. Talked about dreams, sleep paralysis, quitting smoking, bears, animal guides/patronuses, etc. Turns out my therapist is a harry potter fan, and low-key probably uses tumblr, and got Black Bear as her patronus in the Pottermore quiz. Go Figure!

I feel self-conscious blogging at the library sometimes because people can see me. I am eating a green apple lolipop. I stole an extra 2 from the bank.

I’ve saved up money. This is the first time I’ve had two hundred dollars saved up, and from my first paycheck this month. Like without spending it. LET’S HOPE I DON’T SPEND IT. HA-HA.

Found out that cheap grocery store I always think is far away is next to my therapy place and the library. THIS WHOLE TIME. I could save money on groceries!

The online coven I’m in is still fun. I joined the voice chat for the first time and it was really cool and cute. I’ve also noticed that I need to work on my pronoun game. I think I might need to go through the introductions and write everyone’s down next to their username because most people are still usernames to me (and people change them sometimes). I’m kind of confused with my own pronouns sometimes. Everyone uses she in real life.

A librarian asked me if “these keys were mine” and I got de ja vu.

My room is a mess. I’m hanging out with my boyfriend tonight. I need to clean my room. Maybe I should’ve said no to hanging out tonight. I guess I can still change my mind. It’s been like this for a couple weeks I think. I should make tuesday chore and errand day.

Early this morning the cat, who is normally a fluffball of adorable nonconfrontation and who is currently subletting until his owner picks him up, was yelling and would not shut up. Ran to the door, ran to the window, hissed softly if you approached, was yelling and meowing the whole time. I wondered what the deal was because our other roommate is back and I know they don’t like cats (or at least has trouble living with them) and the cat has never done this before. It made me wonder if they hissed at each other or something. I also made the mistake of leaving my room open so they ran into my room and hopped at my window, which was open enough to hear birds chirping as the sun rose, a small cool refreshing breeze, and still the cat wouldn’t shut up for a while, and lal al lala it was a whole thing, and I gave up and eventually the cat was quiet and seemed content. I woke up 4 hours later and the cat was still there. I guess they just wanted some outdoors feeling or something.

Cat is still cute.

I’ve been remembering my dreams more and seeing how they all connect to my waking life and stuff. Also, my therapist had an idea. I have been wary of dream journaling because I don’t want to have a lucid dream. She said writing generally and not including details, or writing like what it means or meant to you could get around it, since I wouldn’t be including dream signs and stuff. That could help. And help me deal with my feelings and stuff.

The only thing is sometimes I feel like the gist is more important to remembering dreams, like the essence. But if I don’t write down the itty bitty overwhelming details, it might be enough. I have a dream journal good for that too, so that works out in terms of my past purchase, haha.

I really need to clean my room. And also call the landlord and get my ceiling fixed. My roommate is back so they could maybe do something, or someone else who lives here can figure it out, and get paid. It’s just annoying because winter is soon. My bed is also kind of uncomfortable.

I wish I had more to say. But I feel pretty good. Or neutral anyway. My therapist also asked if I journaled, and hey, luckily I started this month! 🙂 Ok really, how is journaling or jounralling or journaled not in the dictionary???

Streamers

Confused states

I’ve been feeling a little off the last few days.

Good news is I finally was able to see a therapist again. Met her on tuesday. We were pressed for time so it was a short introduction sort of thing. I was stressed at all day because nobody there has anything but a voice mail apparently. Bad news I guess is that opening up about some things has got me thinking about it a little again and it’s been making me feel weird, scared. I don’t want these things to happen again. Good news is that she seems to think those are workable things. Instead of being vaguely confused and kind of “?…we will see friendo, we will work on it together.”

I don’t know if this is good or bad news but I found out bipolar disorder can cause sleep paralysis.Or is linked. IS BULLSHIT. What am I supposed to do about this? And why is everything linked to this crap?! Also why do I know more about this crap than my therapists?? This really makes the whole ‘don’t self-diagnose’ thing seem like a load of crap. GEEZ.

So yeah I had a couple sleep paralysis and disturbed sleep generally last night, waking up, going back to sleep, sleep paralysis, trying to not go back to sleep, going back to sleep, 10 minutes later wake up with sleep paralysis, etc repeat. I do not know how long I slept. I don’t feel tired. But that’s not good either because I also haven’t had an appetite lately. I have been making myself eat I think. So hopefully I am full. Unfortunately, the bathroom scale is gone so I don’t know if I’ve been losing weight. I hope not. I’ve had a cough too. I think I might have been overheating and dehydrated, but I kept drinking water in between those periods and was mostly naked under the covers. The other thing is that there are three holes in the ceiling because of some electrical work that had to be done, and my landlord still hasn’t gotten it fixed. I think it’s been twice I told him, though I told him no rush. But it’s been a few months and there is a mouse living in my walls and making NOISE. Especially LAST NIGHT. Like running up the inside of the wall and such. I haven’t seen it but it’s clearly a mouse or a ghost mouse. No it’s a mouse, we had mice and got rid of them. But my landlord is also a temperamental angry dude who is all sensitive and will get racist at the drop of a hat apparently. So I generally try to avoid him. He’s been on a rampage destroying people’s gardens because he thinks everything that isn’t a pile of mulch is weeds.

Annoying. I might try to bring it up soon, but he’ll probably be stupid and stall and then it’ll be winter and all the barely effective heaters we finally got installed after years of living through cold ass winters, sometimes with a baby living there, will be completely useless because the hot air will rise to the roof. And more mice will move in. And they will be more comfortable than me.

I know this cat who is subletting won’t be able to get it, since it’s out of reach. I wish. PLEASE CAT SUMMON IT. DESTROY IT. 😥

 

Anyway I’ve been generally foggy headed. After the hormonal birth control and my prior stint with weed (found out I can’t do weed. which is a shame because period cramps are a motherfucker), and in combination with the former a series of coinciding events (temporarily quit smoking because of birth control anxiety symptoms, sister had some scary things happen to her that worried me sick, quitting smoking gave me intense depression, lucid dream adventures after trying to solve my sleep paralysis problems did not mix well with many of these anxiety triggers/symptoms) I’ve become on some level traumatized by what I assume were exasperated and exaggerated bipolar symptoms. I’ve developed a fear of the unknown, the unreal, and what I worry are psychotic symptoms. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually experienced psychosis, or they were panic attacks, or about-to-be-panic-attacks, or intense anxiety caused by birth control has just left it’s scars and wounds, or maybe I’m schizoaffective now, or what. But I dance around it a lot and I think if I’m left alone too long or left alone with it I become afraid of my mind turning on itself.

Maybe I just need new experiences and to not think about it. I don’t know.

I can’t do anything about it now, as far as I know. I want to read more about the sleep paralysis and bipolar link, because I hadn’t known of it before. But I also wonder whether I should just leave it alone.

I hate feeling so limited too. I thought about maybe trying out medication. After the initial misdiagnoses I didn’t want to put myself in such a dangerous state again. But I guess I thought, well, this diagnosis seems right. And maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.

But then there’s lithium, where if you miss or stop taking it can make you have psychotic symptoms or experience psychosis worse than when you had before you started taking it. And then there’s insurance. The most stable things in my life are my library card and the bus not being consistently on time, and maybe my job. I can easily see a situation, and it seems to be pretty damn common, for your insurance to flake out and fuck you over with your medication. I DO NOT want to commit to a medication, or medications, and then have to deal with some bullshit where I’m without. I am the only person taking care of myself here, and even if I moved in with my family, they wouldn’t always be home to watch me. And if sliding scale somehow covers it, and my budget is always enough, what happens if I move? If the landlord decides to hell with all of us, or in two years or whenever the lease is up, moving to another state is financially more feasible (it very well might be). If I had a basic living wage or if insurance in this country made sense, then I wouldn’t need to worry as much. If I knew I wouldn’t be without access to the medication I need, then I wouldn’t have to worry about life distruptions or insurance or weird government or state laws or whatever. And it took me 4 months of phone tag and being redirected to voice mails to even get this damn COUNSELING appointment at the place I go to. I don’t want to have to deal with that for something like psychiatrics. Heck you can only see the actual psychiatrist every 4 months since he’s so damn swamped. They have to outsource a lot of them to video chat people.

I don’t know, the misdiagnosis and being given first ritatlin, then prozac, (both very bad for my diagnosis, though they did lead to my correct diagnosis, the mania it triggered ruined my credit in two weeks ($2000 – collections is still after me), and among other things actually made me move across the country – and this was while I was living with my family) and trying to get appointments in general, just gave me an insight on how destructive and unreliable the whole process could be. It could be great too, sure. But it’s such a huge gamble. And the choices I make now are pretty dumb sometimes, but I can manage those a lot better than all that ^

I can see that with my current means I might end up living a very limited life, and maybe a really stressful one too though. So I guess I wonder if it could be easier sometimes. But the first time I wondered that I had this weird feeling like there would be a catch and it wouldn’t be as simple as those commercials and even my psychiatrist was making it out to be. Western medicine sees a lot of what I described as things that can’t be prevented, or sort of casualties of war or the medical process, negligible risks, or if it gets worse, …worse. Something of fault within my brain rather than of fault of the medical practices. I’ve found government workers are sometimes more real with you about things, so I’m grateful I’m going somewhere like that. It’s not for profit I think, or at least people probably don’t make much there.

Sometimes I think spiritual practices, mindfulness practices, journaling, art, TRYING TO SLEEP FOR DOG’S SAKE, maybe even magick or tarot, or self-care practices, positive affirmations, surrounding myself with beauty, helping others, being cleanly and organized, or all of it could be enough, or I think rather than think this, I believe it, and I believe I won’t know the extent of my illness until I try and implement it. Rather than (or in addition to) a therapist perhaps I need a life coach, but a therapist is what I have right now. And not even reliably, I think. She’s cool, it’s not her, it’s the ‘system.’ Like “do we have the right phone number” “I’ve gotten that here at least three times did it not stick when we changed it…” “hmm lets see…well it looks like we do, hmm.” Do they have two phone catalogs or something…?? Update them both! In all three of your weird buildings!

Ok rant over I think. I’m scared of my brain and it makes me nauseous sometimes, and it makes me experience weird things and I want to get past it so I can live without having to think about that. At least if I can be in better control of them and change it to be a beautiful sensation, I’ll be ok.

 

 

 

 

 

Streamers

Therapy

ALRIGHT I DID IT AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS I FINALLY GOT TO MEET MY NEW DAMN THERAPIST JESUS CHRIST

And it was good

I think I’ve learned I’m still a little shook up from my weird experiences a year or two back, with messing with my headspace a little. And I mentioned wanting to quit cigarettes, and better drinking restraint when I do drink. I don’t as much anymore, but my stomach is sensitive and can barely handle one right now.

I’ve also learned I have trouble in terms of COOKING. I don’t even know how to change my diet really. My coworker had to help me out. If I had a car it wouldn’t be so much of an issue. But I don’t, so I kind of have to plan ahead. It’s tricky. Everything is so time sensitive. When you’re broke you’re constantly walking that tightrope.

I drank a lotta wine and stuff last night and smoked a lot. I’m a little sick as it is, so I shouldn’t have and now my lungs feel awful. I haven’t smoked all day. Now that I’ve mentioned it I kind of want to, partly coz my head feels a little weird. But I also don’t because my lungs feel awful. And it might make my headache worse.

I joined an online space witch coven today. It’s pretty cool so far. Mostly just me yelling into the void as usual and feeling dumb and like a thread-killer. Ah well. Life.

all this junk is hard. stuff is weird. loofas.

Saying you did anything online gives it validity, in terms of just bumbling around casually on the net. I’M A FREE SPIRIT online. hahaha.

Okay I don’t know what else to say. K bye. Journaling online has already been giving me some peace of mind. For example, noticing how beliefs are like fortune cookie slips floating around my brain gel-ocean. Strange things. Maybe that’s the Ti in INTP. Ah see, that’s where the maybe’s come in. Tired of maybes.