I have been kinda tired.
Oh no I just realized I hadn’t grabbed a beer for today. Ahhh….what do I do, do I really want beer?? Hmm.
Yeah, I’ve been skirting the melancholic line, dipping in a little, dipping out. Tryna figure out what I’m about. Gotta organize and clean my room but I’ve a list made and stuff.
So I’m feeling optimistic, but then I’m super tired. And sometimes I’ll get sad and wonder what the point is. But now that I can recognize it as an emotion, I don’t take it as personally and think things really are wrong or bad or messed up or inherently empty. I know it’s this just the feeling that’s making me feel that way. But sometimes I start falling for it. I wonder if I’ve gotten better at doing that with the hypomania too though. Next time I’ll try to separate myself from the invisible feeling of urgency.
But now I want to be more urgent, I guess. I keep pulling the Chariot in my Shadowscapes tarot deck. Maybe I should try the Sun and Moon deck too though, since it’s kinda relevant. I mean, I bought it before I knew I was bipolar, but by then was aware of the patterns.
I have trouble understanding the concept of control, exercising or externalizing your will power, “hard control,” exercising force. I feel like I’m so passive and am afraid of causing harm. But then there’s this other idea of me that doesn’t care and is a fiery torando or single-minded cannon.
I feel like the image of the chariot is particularly relevant for my bipolar disorder, but I don’t get how that person is doing it. Wait, I wasn’t talking about my bipolar disorder. Ahgg, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly where my personality and where this …thing, sort of intersect. Are those two sides of me just my understanding of my personality, influenced by bipolar disorder? Seeing the two different modes I can live my life within? Maybe three now, if we’re considering how anxiety has entered the picture. Or how I’ve just noticed it. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s how bipolar disorder is more external, like I’m me regardless but it’s the horse. So me, regardless of bipolar disorder, I tend to oscillate between two different kind of active/inactive modes, specific to a situation. Ehh….or is it both, where it’s influences me, and I influence it or it’s expression. Saying it’s both sometimes feel like the easy answer.
On top of that, I’m a cancer by sun sign, so this card kinda ties three things together. My wishy-washy sort of inconsistent mode of being, my sun sign and it’s famous moodiness and sensitivity, and my bipolar disorder and how it jerks me around. Cancers have to learn how to control and manage their emotions and take care of theirselves, and folks with bipolar people do as well with the help of medication, sleep, limiting or removing drugs/alcohol/caffeine/etc, and possible dietary changes. I feel like I need to do generally get my shit together.
I can see Strength as being soft control, and Chariot as being hard control. If I take myself out of the fool’s journey and let go of the idea of progression in self-mastery, then these are simply two different methods to get the job done.
I guess I’m confused because I thought I was learning soft control, or supposed to be. I think I’ve learned how to be more patient with myself and take it step by step. Or maybe I have learned it, and now I can give a hand at hard control and force again. Since before I might’ve been harsher on myself, and domineering, unforgiving, without yielding results. I’ve been better able to recognize those voices in my head too, though I don’t always know how to deal with them other than just distracting myself or sort of leaving it or not engaging. I guess kind of like in real life.
Maybe I’m confusing the Chariot’s energy with the Emperor’s? I think I have a problem with the Emperor, like I’m sure a few of us do. Maybe I can’t conceive of the Chariot’s energy and ideas of force and willpower and hard control to get a job done without also associating it with anger, discipline, aggressiveness, by-any-means-necessary mentality, harsh words, an edge of cruelty. This isn’t necessarily the Emperor, but it’s some of the beef I have with the card, and some of the Kings as well, sometimes.
I guess I might find out by practicing. I don’t have to be a powerhouse or power-plow or be a laser cannon of intense infrared focus or however, but I do need to harness my energies and make them work together.
You’d think after my temperance year I’d have a better intuition or idea of how that looks, but maybe that’s why Crowley calls it Art. You probably won’t till it’s done.
That tripped me up all of that year. I still get tripped up by the concept. I can….merge….these energies? No, that’s temperance. I can…harness……up and down. I can harness….superspeed and superexhaustion. I can harness….my hypomania and depression….. I can harness ….. to think, I had trouble understanding duality before, seeing everything as one whole thing ultimately, and now I can’t get past it. How the hell do you harness …?? What is being harnessed?? What the hell!
Maybe I should try a Chariot spread. What two energies, for what end. Yeah. Let’s try it. I’ll add in a screenshot since I’m using the Shadowscapes deck on my phone.
Positive/White Sphinx: 7 Of Wands
For What End/Charioteer: Temperance
MAN, I didn’t need another duality card!!! Alright so the Charioteer’s end goal is temperance and the harnessing of both of these energies to achieve a more unified whole or balance. Alright, thank you. He harnesses the fierceness of protecting and going after what’s yours with the cool methodical contemplation of a gardener waiting for the right moment to strike or to harvest the fruits of his labours. This is LITERALLY defining the chariot card. I meant for me! Did I not make that clear?! There are even two 7 cards that correspond with the Chariots VII!!!! Temperance is 14 too, mrrr.
………..alright so is my depression like waiting and seeing and my hypomania like fighting and competing? That sounds like evolutionary psychology. Also I just remembered my Chariot year is coming up July. I’m pretty sure I start getting the next year’s growth cards once my birthday nears.
So, I need to strike……..when the iron is hot…..after I’ve carefully heated up the iron.
Wait no, I need to balance that attack/defend, or setting a goal and fiercely sticking with it and fighting for it, with taking time to reflect and evaluating my progress and if I’m on course.
….I might add more to this, but for now I’ve gotta go!