So I had a great night last night. We saw Unknown Hinson. It was great.
Today I went to therapy, and after 5 minutes got kind of annoyed, 10 minutes got anxious and stressed, 12 minutes I was at the front desk waiting because it said if the person is 15 minutes late then say something, 20 minutes someone was there and asked me what was up and realized that she had actually called out sick. Apparently I was supposed to have gotten a call. Great.
So I was pissed. BECAUSE I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS. It’s happened before except I waited 30-45 minutes until they remembered. The last time it happened was 4 months ago and I finally was able to make an appointment again, three weeks ago, with a new person, because by then my last counselor had left.
Then I voted and I felt better.
I also made myself an egg sandwich at my boyfriend’s house in a hurry to catch the bus and the first bite I took squirted egg yolk juice all over the pants he let me borrow. I thought I’d cooked it more. Then I was trying to clean it with like a piece of spinach or something (I put it in my leftover salad container) and realized that the egg yolk somehow managed to coat the bottom of the container and just smeared it all over the other pants leg. And I was only a bite in.
IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL A HOT MESS BECAUSE I FEEL PRETTY HOT RIGHT NOW. PHYSICALLY. THE WALLS OF THE CAVITY CONTAINING MY ORGANS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE BURNING.
I had a great last two days though. My boyfriend’s roommate happened to have a ticket while I was trying to figure out whether to go out to the show. I served popcorn to kids. I made the popcorn in a popcorn machine. It was stressful and fulfilling, because I was also cashiering and stocking and helping close the store. I had gotten my coworker to mop my half of store for me so I could go to the show, but then there was popcorn all over the floor and I hadn’t realized that halloween would be so crazy so I decided to do my half after all, because I would’ve felt terrible knowing he might probably still be there at midnight with all that. Poor guy. I hope he had fun. Hopefully my boss helped out too.
I had beers and I had cigarettes and I have a stash of candy in my purse I grabbed from the bar. Pictures were taken. Someone I live with lent me a pirate costume. It was great.
I’m angry about the therapy thing because it shouldn’t be a source of stress @_@ It’s supposed to help me deal with stress. But it never really is….
It kind of makes me want to quit because it’s so annoying. Or maybe I should look for another place to take me. But they’d all be a lot farther and where I’m at now is more convenient with the grocery stores, library, bus stops. I don’t know. I wish I had a car. I should probably call ahead everytime before I go, but considering how they don’t answer their phones…or are ineffective…”do you have an appointment? “yeah” “oh yeah well come on up then” “is she there though” “yeah if you have an appointment” “right…” “do you want me to connect you to her office” “yeah ok” /goes immediately to voicemail. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to talk to my counselor or the supervisor on the phone, but I can’t count how many times I’ve been connected to their various numbers.
annoyed annoyed annoyed irritated
What’s the fucking point!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
I KNOW WHAT THE POINT IS BY THE WAY. I’m just letting my feelings out. >8@
Otherwise I’m in a good mood. sort of. I can’t really talk to this with anyone. No one gets it. No one understands my cosmic piranha rage. Maybe this is part of my OCD to be honest but I feel just like rrhgsgghghhckkkkk because I always hate it when my therapist or doctor even sometimes are late. Doctors are usually more on time. But you work in the health care system and everything about it is just so….punctuality is important ok! In your field! I don’t feel like it’s reliable where I go. No one, except that one lady, is an asshole (potentially also the pharmacist), but GEEEEEZ. IS IT CAUSE IT’S GOVERNMENT FUNDED THROUGH GRANTS AND STUFF??? MORE FUNDING WOULD BE GREAT. FIX YOUR PHONES. I think everyone who works there kinda knows sorta ish. GEez. Crap.
OKAY I’m STILL MAD SO IDK AM I DONE WHAT DO I DO NOW. I want to take action to change things, dramatically. Maybe I should try a different facility. It’s also weird because I have all these other things I want to talk about and I don’t want to be in therapy talking about how much the process of getting into therapy is stressing me out. THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME. IT’S REALLY DISTRACTING BEING MAD IN THERAPY ABOUT THERAPY WHEN YOU WEREN’T MAD 45 MINUTES AGO, WHILE YOU WERE WAITING. FOR YOUR THERAPIST. /dragon screech
Also the other day I tried the 7 cups app and I ended up cheering the other person up instead of the other way around. Not intentionally, it was just kind of boring having someone only say “I see” coz they couldn’t give me advice or whatever and were cautious about that, so I unintentionally blew their mind about lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis and pirates and the ocean as a cool metaphor for bipolar and crap, cracking jokes throughout my stress and worries and they ended up being like wow i feel great ok you’re welcome why do I do this. I guess I feel like I served my community now. Was I bumming you out before?
I’ve had a therapist thank me for giving her a new way of looking at autism before too. I’m pretty sure that’s why she diagnosed me aspergers in between talking about politics and obamacare. Ok here’s your $50. I’m not aspergers, probably. I’m sure I’m on the spectrum, it’s a spectrum, etc, idk.
Yeesh. How about just give me drugs and release me from your disorganized spiderweb of dynamic accountability. Eris ain’t touching that shit. It’s only in her realm between the hours of 10-2pm on fridays and 4-6 on the 2nd and 4th tuesday each month, and even then only the right half of the building on the driveway is really committing. She probably feels motherly towards it. I’m not real.
I don’t really want drugs, I just want all the people trying to grab my heart to do it right. Why am I offering this to you? No one deserves it. No one is doing it right.
Maybe I should do this by myself.