So here’s some progress in my knowledge, from a while ago. I ended up signing up with Treehouse and am studying through them, but the HTML course on Coursera was how I managed to make all that in the first place. Codeacademy is also a good place to get an introduction. I also used it to help me understand margin and padding a little better, but that’s where I left off before deciding to give Treehouse a try.
So far it’s great, but I’m wondering where personal projects come in, for practice and real world experience, but I’m gonna assume that’s for pro membership or something.
I’m guessing learning coding and gaining experience is basically trial and error and keeping up to date. Sounds stressful. But it’s also fun so far. Actually, HTML and CSS are kinda getting boring and hassling a little, I think I expected more …..sort of like logical thinky puzzles or something. But I guess you gotta create a system to solve it’s problems, I don’t know.
Not that HTML/CSS don’t have that, or that I’m ready for things past it. I’m still not whipping out that notebook I think. Partly because my internet problems suck so much that I’m constantly moving around and messing with my computer, and it’s hard to manage all the windows and resizing of windows I gotta do to use Treehouse, on top of switching to paper, and my laptop overheating easy and spontaneously turning off. Maybe I’m rushing too much though. Chilllll….
Anyway, after I learned about responsive web design and other junk I realized my poor website might need a redo. Hahahaha. But I think I can make it easier now though. Hey, kinda my first website, that’s not too bad.
Ah, that underline under the header is new, I was trying to make it a link and decided I couldn’t be bothered to fix it at the moment since I was still watching a video on the stuff and figured I’d just go back and change it anyway. It’s not supposed to be there anyway.
Oh no I just realized I hadn’t grabbed a beer for today. Ahhh….what do I do, do I really want beer?? Hmm.
Yeah, I’ve been skirting the melancholic line, dipping in a little, dipping out. Tryna figure out what I’m about. Gotta organize and clean my room but I’ve a list made and stuff.
So I’m feeling optimistic, but then I’m super tired. And sometimes I’ll get sad and wonder what the point is. But now that I can recognize it as an emotion, I don’t take it as personally and think things really are wrong or bad or messed up or inherently empty. I know it’s this just the feeling that’s making me feel that way. But sometimes I start falling for it. I wonder if I’ve gotten better at doing that with the hypomania too though. Next time I’ll try to separate myself from the invisible feeling of urgency.
But now I want to be more urgent, I guess. I keep pulling the Chariot in my Shadowscapes tarot deck. Maybe I should try the Sun and Moon deck too though, since it’s kinda relevant. I mean, I bought it before I knew I was bipolar, but by then was aware of the patterns.
I have trouble understanding the concept of control, exercising or externalizing your will power, “hard control,” exercising force. I feel like I’m so passive and am afraid of causing harm. But then there’s this other idea of me that doesn’t care and is a fiery torando or single-minded cannon.
I feel like the image of the chariot is particularly relevant for my bipolar disorder, but I don’t get how that person is doing it. Wait, I wasn’t talking about my bipolar disorder. Ahgg, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly where my personality and where this …thing, sort of intersect. Are those two sides of me just my understanding of my personality, influenced by bipolar disorder? Seeing the two different modes I can live my life within? Maybe three now, if we’re considering how anxiety has entered the picture. Or how I’ve just noticed it. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s how bipolar disorder is more external, like I’m me regardless but it’s the horse. So me, regardless of bipolar disorder, I tend to oscillate between two different kind of active/inactive modes, specific to a situation. Ehh….or is it both, where it’s influences me, and I influence it or it’s expression. Saying it’s both sometimes feel like the easy answer.
On top of that, I’m a cancer by sun sign, so this card kinda ties three things together. My wishy-washy sort of inconsistent mode of being, my sun sign and it’s famous moodiness and sensitivity, and my bipolar disorder and how it jerks me around. Cancers have to learn how to control and manage their emotions and take care of theirselves, and folks with bipolar people do as well with the help of medication, sleep, limiting or removing drugs/alcohol/caffeine/etc, and possible dietary changes. I feel like I need to do generally get my shit together.
I can see Strength as being soft control, and Chariot as being hard control. If I take myself out of the fool’s journey and let go of the idea of progression in self-mastery, then these are simply two different methods to get the job done.
I guess I’m confused because I thought I was learning soft control, or supposed to be. I think I’ve learned how to be more patient with myself and take it step by step. Or maybe I have learned it, and now I can give a hand at hard control and force again. Since before I might’ve been harsher on myself, and domineering, unforgiving, without yielding results. I’ve been better able to recognize those voices in my head too, though I don’t always know how to deal with them other than just distracting myself or sort of leaving it or not engaging. I guess kind of like in real life.
Maybe I’m confusing the Chariot’s energy with the Emperor’s? I think I have a problem with the Emperor, like I’m sure a few of us do. Maybe I can’t conceive of the Chariot’s energy and ideas of force and willpower and hard control to get a job done without also associating it with anger, discipline, aggressiveness, by-any-means-necessary mentality, harsh words, an edge of cruelty. This isn’t necessarily the Emperor, but it’s some of the beef I have with the card, and some of the Kings as well, sometimes.
I guess I might find out by practicing. I don’t have to be a powerhouse or power-plow or be a laser cannon of intense infrared focus or however, but I do need to harness my energies and make them work together.
You’d think after my temperance year I’d have a better intuition or idea of how that looks, but maybe that’s why Crowley calls it Art. You probably won’t till it’s done.
That tripped me up all of that year. I still get tripped up by the concept. I can….merge….these energies? No, that’s temperance. I can…harness……up and down. I can harness….superspeed and superexhaustion. I can harness….my hypomania and depression….. I can harness ….. to think, I had trouble understanding duality before, seeing everything as one whole thing ultimately, and now I can’t get past it. How the hell do you harness …?? What is being harnessed?? What the hell!
Maybe I should try a Chariot spread. What two energies, for what end. Yeah. Let’s try it. I’ll add in a screenshot since I’m using the Shadowscapes deck on my phone.
Negative/Black Sphinx: 7 of Pentacles
Positive/White Sphinx: 7 Of Wands
For What End/Charioteer: Temperance
MAN, I didn’t need another duality card!!! Alright so the Charioteer’s end goal is temperance and the harnessing of both of these energies to achieve a more unified whole or balance. Alright, thank you. He harnesses the fierceness of protecting and going after what’s yours with the cool methodical contemplation of a gardener waiting for the right moment to strike or to harvest the fruits of his labours. This is LITERALLY defining the chariot card. I meant for me! Did I not make that clear?! There are even two 7 cards that correspond with the Chariots VII!!!! Temperance is 14 too, mrrr.
………..alright so is my depression like waiting and seeing and my hypomania like fighting and competing? That sounds like evolutionary psychology. Also I just remembered my Chariot year is coming up July. I’m pretty sure I start getting the next year’s growth cards once my birthday nears.
So, I need to strike……..when the iron is hot…..after I’ve carefully heated up the iron.
Wait no, I need to balance that attack/defend, or setting a goal and fiercely sticking with it and fighting for it, with taking time to reflect and evaluating my progress and if I’m on course.
….I might add more to this, but for now I’ve gotta go!
Uhhh! Yeah! Idk, I kinda left the cosmic coven thing pretty quickly. It’s hard to do that sorta thing on a phone. I don’t think I can much now either since there’s not much internet in my room, and I’d wanna be private about it. And I have a laptop now! My mom helped as a birthday advance. I started using Amino for witchy communities. I’m exploring different sites for studying HTML/CSS and doing a course on coursera. I was mildly depressed and frantic the last two weeks so that put a damper on things and I stopped studying, as a result of hypomania induced room clutter. But I’m trying to be organized again. It’s a WIP, throughout the cycling. I made a list and I hope to journal again on here as part of being….organized and well. I can’t ignore art and expression and writing as a part of self-care I’m realizing…finally haha. I need to schedule these things too, or make time for them anyway. Yup.
There’s a lot more like dreams about my dad and his side of the family, consistent beer drinking the last two weeks (usually 1), and making an Amino community today and my vaguely coming to understand my mild abandonment issues (is that what it is? something lonely, needy, reactive, isolated, brooding and feeling left out anyway). I’ve been getting back into tarot again as I usually do after a few months. Stuff like that. Stuff that’s happened before, and stuff I’ve been improving on again.
So I had a great night last night. We saw Unknown Hinson. It was great.
Today I went to therapy, and after 5 minutes got kind of annoyed, 10 minutes got anxious and stressed, 12 minutes I was at the front desk waiting because it said if the person is 15 minutes late then say something, 20 minutes someone was there and asked me what was up and realized that she had actually called out sick. Apparently I was supposed to have gotten a call. Great.
So I was pissed. BECAUSE I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS. It’s happened before except I waited 30-45 minutes until they remembered. The last time it happened was 4 months ago and I finally was able to make an appointment again, three weeks ago, with a new person, because by then my last counselor had left.
Then I voted and I felt better.
I also made myself an egg sandwich at my boyfriend’s house in a hurry to catch the bus and the first bite I took squirted egg yolk juice all over the pants he let me borrow. I thought I’d cooked it more. Then I was trying to clean it with like a piece of spinach or something (I put it in my leftover salad container) and realized that the egg yolk somehow managed to coat the bottom of the container and just smeared it all over the other pants leg. And I was only a bite in.
IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL A HOT MESS BECAUSE I FEEL PRETTY HOT RIGHT NOW. PHYSICALLY. THE WALLS OF THE CAVITY CONTAINING MY ORGANS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE BURNING.
I had a great last two days though. My boyfriend’s roommate happened to have a ticket while I was trying to figure out whether to go out to the show. I served popcorn to kids. I made the popcorn in a popcorn machine. It was stressful and fulfilling, because I was also cashiering and stocking and helping close the store. I had gotten my coworker to mop my half of store for me so I could go to the show, but then there was popcorn all over the floor and I hadn’t realized that halloween would be so crazy so I decided to do my half after all, because I would’ve felt terrible knowing he might probably still be there at midnight with all that. Poor guy. I hope he had fun. Hopefully my boss helped out too.
I had beers and I had cigarettes and I have a stash of candy in my purse I grabbed from the bar. Pictures were taken. Someone I live with lent me a pirate costume. It was great.
I’m angry about the therapy thing because it shouldn’t be a source of stress @_@ It’s supposed to help me deal with stress. But it never really is….
It kind of makes me want to quit because it’s so annoying. Or maybe I should look for another place to take me. But they’d all be a lot farther and where I’m at now is more convenient with the grocery stores, library, bus stops. I don’t know. I wish I had a car. I should probably call ahead everytime before I go, but considering how they don’t answer their phones…or are ineffective…”do you have an appointment? “yeah” “oh yeah well come on up then” “is she there though” “yeah if you have an appointment” “right…” “do you want me to connect you to her office” “yeah ok” /goes immediately to voicemail. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to talk to my counselor or the supervisor on the phone, but I can’t count how many times I’ve been connected to their various numbers.
annoyed annoyed annoyed irritated
What’s the fucking point!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
I KNOW WHAT THE POINT IS BY THE WAY. I’m just letting my feelings out. >8@
Otherwise I’m in a good mood. sort of. I can’t really talk to this with anyone. No one gets it. No one understands my cosmic piranha rage. Maybe this is part of my OCD to be honest but I feel just like rrhgsgghghhckkkkk because I always hate it when my therapist or doctor even sometimes are late. Doctors are usually more on time. But you work in the health care system and everything about it is just so….punctuality is important ok! In your field! I don’t feel like it’s reliable where I go. No one, except that one lady, is an asshole (potentially also the pharmacist), but GEEEEEZ. IS IT CAUSE IT’S GOVERNMENT FUNDED THROUGH GRANTS AND STUFF??? MORE FUNDING WOULD BE GREAT. FIX YOUR PHONES. I think everyone who works there kinda knows sorta ish. GEez. Crap.
OKAY I’m STILL MAD SO IDK AM I DONE WHAT DO I DO NOW. I want to take action to change things, dramatically. Maybe I should try a different facility. It’s also weird because I have all these other things I want to talk about and I don’t want to be in therapy talking about how much the process of getting into therapy is stressing me out. THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME. IT’S REALLY DISTRACTING BEING MAD IN THERAPY ABOUT THERAPY WHEN YOU WEREN’T MAD 45 MINUTES AGO, WHILE YOU WERE WAITING. FOR YOUR THERAPIST. /dragon screech
Also the other day I tried the 7 cups app and I ended up cheering the other person up instead of the other way around. Not intentionally, it was just kind of boring having someone only say “I see” coz they couldn’t give me advice or whatever and were cautious about that, so I unintentionally blew their mind about lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis and pirates and the ocean as a cool metaphor for bipolar and crap, cracking jokes throughout my stress and worries and they ended up being like wow i feel great ok you’re welcome why do I do this. I guess I feel like I served my community now. Was I bumming you out before?
I’ve had a therapist thank me for giving her a new way of looking at autism before too. I’m pretty sure that’s why she diagnosed me aspergers in between talking about politics and obamacare. Ok here’s your $50. I’m not aspergers, probably. I’m sure I’m on the spectrum, it’s a spectrum, etc, idk.
Yeesh. How about just give me drugs and release me from your disorganized spiderweb of dynamic accountability. Eris ain’t touching that shit. It’s only in her realm between the hours of 10-2pm on fridays and 4-6 on the 2nd and 4th tuesday each month, and even then only the right half of the building on the driveway is really committing. She probably feels motherly towards it. I’m not real.
I don’t really want drugs, I just want all the people trying to grab my heart to do it right. Why am I offering this to you? No one deserves it. No one is doing it right.
There was a woman’s new moon circle yesterday and it ended in a sleepover
Saturday we did a Halloween comedy bus tour and went to a bar after
The music stations I’ve been trying to get to work finally came through and my co-workers are really happy about it 🙂
Trying to figure out whether to go see a show after work. Pros are boyfriend will be there, cons are I’ve already spent so much money
I went to a Standing Rock protest yesterday. I don’t know if I’ve gone to one before. I also used the my work’s Facebook page to post about it and we have a donation bin that I’ve posted about. I also put signs everywhere in the store to let people know we have one in case they miss it. This was yesterday.
I’ve had a good day so far and it’s been a good week.
So , I don’t feel like I have anything in particular to report.
I just went to therapy. It was nice. Talked about dreams, sleep paralysis, quitting smoking, bears, animal guides/patronuses, etc. Turns out my therapist is a harry potter fan, and low-key probably uses tumblr, and got Black Bear as her patronus in the Pottermore quiz. Go Figure!
I feel self-conscious blogging at the library sometimes because people can see me. I am eating a green apple lolipop. I stole an extra 2 from the bank.
I’ve saved up money. This is the first time I’ve had two hundred dollars saved up, and from my first paycheck this month. Like without spending it. LET’S HOPE I DON’T SPEND IT. HA-HA.
Found out that cheap grocery store I always think is far away is next to my therapy place and the library. THIS WHOLE TIME. I could save money on groceries!
The online coven I’m in is still fun. I joined the voice chat for the first time and it was really cool and cute. I’ve also noticed that I need to work on my pronoun game. I think I might need to go through the introductions and write everyone’s down next to their username because most people are still usernames to me (and people change them sometimes). I’m kind of confused with my own pronouns sometimes. Everyone uses she in real life.
A librarian asked me if “these keys were mine” and I got de ja vu.
My room is a mess. I’m hanging out with my boyfriend tonight. I need to clean my room. Maybe I should’ve said no to hanging out tonight. I guess I can still change my mind. It’s been like this for a couple weeks I think. I should make tuesday chore and errand day.
Early this morning the cat, who is normally a fluffball of adorable nonconfrontation and who is currently subletting until his owner picks him up, was yelling and would not shut up. Ran to the door, ran to the window, hissed softly if you approached, was yelling and meowing the whole time. I wondered what the deal was because our other roommate is back and I know they don’t like cats (or at least has trouble living with them) and the cat has never done this before. It made me wonder if they hissed at each other or something. I also made the mistake of leaving my room open so they ran into my room and hopped at my window, which was open enough to hear birds chirping as the sun rose, a small cool refreshing breeze, and still the cat wouldn’t shut up for a while, and lal al lala it was a whole thing, and I gave up and eventually the cat was quiet and seemed content. I woke up 4 hours later and the cat was still there. I guess they just wanted some outdoors feeling or something.
Cat is still cute.
I’ve been remembering my dreams more and seeing how they all connect to my waking life and stuff. Also, my therapist had an idea. I have been wary of dream journaling because I don’t want to have a lucid dream. She said writing generally and not including details, or writing like what it means or meant to you could get around it, since I wouldn’t be including dream signs and stuff. That could help. And help me deal with my feelings and stuff.
The only thing is sometimes I feel like the gist is more important to remembering dreams, like the essence. But if I don’t write down the itty bitty overwhelming details, it might be enough. I have a dream journal good for that too, so that works out in terms of my past purchase, haha.
I really need to clean my room. And also call the landlord and get my ceiling fixed. My roommate is back so they could maybe do something, or someone else who lives here can figure it out, and get paid. It’s just annoying because winter is soon. My bed is also kind of uncomfortable.
I wish I had more to say. But I feel pretty good. Or neutral anyway. My therapist also asked if I journaled, and hey, luckily I started this month! 🙂 Ok really, how is journaling or jounralling or journaled not in the dictionary???